S3EP15-Kylie Roman-We Ditched School: How Kylie Roman Homeschools Her Thriving Autistic Son

Herb: 00:00:19

I now have the pleasure of introducing Kylie Roman.

Kylie Roman is an autistic mom, advocate, and homeschooler and someone that we have known for quite a few years.

She is actually the person who took the pictures that are on our webpage and on a lot of our promotion stuff.

We've known her for quite a long time, and we have brought her on the show because she worked with Christina when she was taking her child out of school.

School.

And just really interested in the.

The.

What she learned and how she went about it.

So welcome, Kylie.

It is an absolute pleasure to see you again.

Thank you for being here and thank you for being willing to talk to us.

Kylie Roman: 00:00:59

Yeah, thank you for having me.

It's something we've talked about doing for a while, so I'm excited that we were able to make the time and get going on this.

I'm excited to be here and appreciate you guys asking me to be on.

Kristina: 00:01:10

Yeah, yeah, I could.

It's one of those things that her bio doesn't.

I'm gonna do it anyway.

Kylie Roman: 00:01:16

Sorry.

Kristina: 00:01:16

Here we go.

Her bio doesn't do her justice.

She has grit, she has courage.

She is curious.

She has all the awesome, wonderful traits of a mom who wants the best for her child.

And when she says advocate, she's growing into that space where you're gonna start hearing from her, I'm pretty sure, because there are things that she has learned, she.

Things that she has done.

Everything around this journey that, you know is going to help other people.

So that's another reason why we love having people like Kylie on that inspiration, that personal experience that will spark this in somebody else sooner or later.

So, Kylie, thank you for being here.

Kylie Roman: 00:01:53

Thank you.

And I know just from my own experience of, like, my son being diagnosed and becoming an autism parent, even before his official diagnosis, when I had concerns, I was digging down every avenue, every rabbit hole, doing as much research as I could to make sure that I was getting him the support that he needed.

Sorry, it's my cat.

I knew she would do that.

She asked me to center of attention.

But I like.

I appreciate a lot of the other autism parents that do openly post about their experiences and share.

I found a lot of, like, homeschool parents of autistic children, and that's, like, really helped drive us in the direction that we are.

But also working with Christina.

My son is 8 now, and he wasn't diagnosed till he was 6, and it was a long journey before that.

We met Christina when he was about 4, a tutoring center before he ever started.

School.

I wanted to make sure that we were getting a jump on the education side of things and making sure that he wasn't falling behind, but with Christina's support, and I know it's going to get emotional.

She's, like, really helped us along our journey, and I know that we would not be where we're at without the support that she's given us.

And really, like, giving me that step and confidence to, like, know that I can actually do this, because I was terrified to send him to school.

A multitude of reasons, but I'm very happy with where we're at now.

And he's doing really great, and he's made a ton of progress, and there's so much wrapped into that.

So.

Herb: 00:03:29

Yeah, so there's.

There's a lot of great teachers out there in school and doing the best that they can, and the newer ones who want to do it, you know, they're doing what they're taught.

And so.

And what they're taught is not the best for really what our kids are.

Kristina: 00:03:47

It's.

Herb: 00:03:48

It's the best for how to get kids through school and out of school with the least amount of fuss and the least amount of problems.

Kylie Roman: 00:03:54

Yeah.

Herb: 00:03:54

And that works.

That cookie cutter stuff works for cookie cutter kids.

And one thing you can say about autistic children is they are not cookie cutter kids.

Kylie Roman: 00:04:03

No, not at all.

Herb: 00:04:05

Yeah.

And it's like, oh, it's autism.

That's this.

And it's like, no, autism is this.

So there's just as much variety as autism as there is in any other thing.

And so the idea that just because your child gets diagnosed with.

Diagnosed with autism, that, oh, now the school is going to be able to take care of that.

As much as the teachers love it.

Would love to.

Would love to be there.

The schools just are not.

Kylie Roman: 00:04:30

My other cat is on my chair now.

Herb: 00:04:32

Yeah, the other schools.

Schools just really aren't set up to be able to deal effectively with autistic children.

So you're.

Kylie Roman: 00:04:42

You're.

When I have.

I have multiple friends that are grade school teachers.

Um, my day job before becoming a mom was being a hairstylist, and I worked in a salon couple times throughout the years.

In between, like, becoming a parent and then deciding to stop working so that I could homeschool Barrett.

And during that time of me, you know, digging down the rabbit hole, anybody that came into the salon that had anything to do with the educational system, I was picking their brain.

I was asking them questions.

And even just from, like, what I'm hearing now from A couple of my friends that are working in the public school system, they, it's, it's the lack of support.

Not even just for kids that are on the spectrum, but any child that is on IEP or a 504 plan.

Like, I understand and appreciate that the school system wants to do an all inclusive thing and put all of these kids in a classroom.

But the problem with it is with the funding that's going on right now is they have all of these kids in a classroom and they might have, you know, five kids in a classroom of like 20 some kids.

And those five kids really truly do.

My all need a one to one, but they're only able to put one aid in the classroom to handle these five kids while the teacher's dealing with the other kids.

And I've just heard from AIDS themselves and teachers that like there, it's very disruptive during the day because, you know, when one ends up having a little bit of a meltdown or struggling with something, if you can't really focus on them to get them, you know, in a calm place, in a comfortable place, the rest of the class is disrupted.

So it's not only affecting these kids that, you know, really need the extra support's help, but it is, it is, you know, disruptive for the other kids to, to get a good education.

And that's another reason that I chose to homeschool my son, because I love him, but I know he would be the disruptive one.

He is way too intelligent for his own good.

And I've had a couple, a couple teachers be like, well, we have like a quiet corner, you know, like they can go sit there for a little bit to calm down.

And I was like, my kid's so smart, he would manipulate the system and he would do everything possible to do whatever he wants to do, which is not participate.

And so like when he was in preschool, we did do preschool for two years and thankfully those teachers were phenomenal.

The teacher's a, her son is also autistic and has adhd and he went to that preschool.

So they both knew.

And so when my son was there, they were like, okay, we have to be a little tough on this kid because if we don't, he's going to take it and run.

If we just let him do what he wants to do, he's going to, he loves that.

He's like, leave me alone.

Let me do some puzzles in color.

I don't want to do this work.

But they were really great about being like, okay, nope, we have to Put that puzzle away.

You need to come sit down.

We're going to do this work.

And just even doing stuff with him at home, there are days where I'm like, okay, let's focus.

Let's not be over here doing whatever you think you're doing over here.

Herb: 00:07:51

I'm going to go a little bit here because one of the things that I.

That I heard.

Kristina: 00:07:54

He doesn't want me to talk to.

Herb: 00:07:56

No, I do.

Kylie Roman: 00:07:58

He knows you and I talk enough.

That's why.

Herb: 00:08:00

Yeah.

And we're from Oregon, and Oregon has one of the highest costs per children going into the education system.

We spend a lot of money on our children, and they have no idea what they're doing with it because we are ranked second and third from the bottom in reading and math.

Kristina: 00:08:21

This is especially at the fourth grade level.

Herb: 00:08:23

Especially at the fourth grade level.

Our kids are not learning.

Kristina: 00:08:27

And.

Herb: 00:08:28

And we could go political here, but it's total.

And again, it's.

It's not the teachers.

It's the system.

It's where the reason that Christina left the system is they did start putting everybody in the classroom, even the.

The behavior students.

And when a behavior student started acting up, it's like, oh, we can't touch them.

We can't do this.

So.

So they would evacuate the classroom.

And 30 kids who were wanting to do something had to leave the classroom and wait out in the hallway while the one kid is throwing chairs and ripping stuff off the wall.

Instead of dealing with that one child and taking them out because that might hurt them, they're hurting all of the other kids and preventing that from learning.

And the fragile children, the medical children, the children who can't handle those kind of disruptions, that's not just for the time they're out of the classroom.

That can wipe out the rest of the day.

And so especially for kids who can't recover from that.

Well, any kids, it's like, it's.

We're second from the bottom, third from the bottom in reading and math.

So what.

What's happening in Oregon is not working.

And second, it's like you.

You.

You're displaying family values, like, off the charts.

It's like, this isn't right for my kids.

I am going to stay home and take care of that, and we will deal with what needs to be done to make that work.

But my child is more important than that.

So.

So taking.

Taking is like, you know, my child needs better than what the school can provide.

And so I would love to be able to make more money and provide for all of this.

But doing that, I'm actually taking away from my child.

And so being able to step into that and step away from your word, your work, it's like fabulous modeling love.

Kylie Roman: 00:10:15

When you look at like the hours that these kids are in school, by the time you get them up and get them to school and then they come home from the day, and then if you have sports or other family activities, which, like, that's not something that like we participate in right now, but just in general, like I remember doing that as a kid myself, you're really only getting like maybe three to four hours a day, day of quality time with your child.

And so for me, even before we ever had concerns about him being on the spectrum and you know, through the process of getting his diagnosis, I was dreading sending him to school.

And we had heavily talked about doing homeschool or working with a charter school because I don't want somebody else raising my child and putting their values and ideas and opinions in, in their head.

Herb: 00:11:00

18,000 Hours on average.

A homeschool parent gets to spend more, 18,000 more hours with their children by the time they turn 18.

Kylie Roman: 00:11:10

Then they as a parent too, you think about it and we all say it like, time goes by so fast, like, where did the time go?

And so even on days where we're having rough days, like my son, his sleep will really fluctuate.

And that is a part of him being on the spectrum.

Like recently we've had a lot of sleep disruption and it's not even, it's like he will go to bed and he'll stay in bed, but it's, mom, I'm thirsty.

Mom, can you come here?

Mom, can I have a hug?

Mom, will you lay down with me until really late at night?

Or sometimes we're waking up at 4 o' clock in the morning and he's ready to go.

But he does that typically when he's processing a lot.

So what I've, what I've come to understand, what I've been told is, you know, when he's picking up a lot of information, like recently he's been using his speech a lot more and he's been a lot more communicative and having more like conversation type experiences with us.

And he's just picking up all these vocabulary words and he's just really blossoming in that.

So unfortunately for him and a lot of other kids that are on the spectrum, they're going to regress in another area, whether it's sleep or even behavior sometimes.

So that's kind of like what we're going through right now.

But I know that in these moments, it's like, how lucky am I that, like, I get to stay home with him?

And if he wakes up at 4 o' clock in the morning but then finally falls back asleep at around 6, I don't have to wake him up, right?

I don't have to wake him up.

Kristina: 00:12:34

I can let him.

Kylie Roman: 00:12:35

I can let him sleep in for a few hours.

And then when he gets up and we kind of do like our little bit of our morning routine, then we sit down and we can do school and he's ready to go because he's more well rested.

Even when he was in preschool, there were multiple days where, like, he just did not sleep great.

And I would have to just email in and be like, hey, didn't sleep great last night, he's not going to be in today.

Which was fine.

It was preschool.

But I know again, in the public school system that would not be something that we would be able to do.

We would probably get truancy a lot because there's just a lot of days that even when he has slept good, getting him up and just trying to get him ready in the morning, sometimes he doesn't want to.

Sometimes he's moving a little bit slower.

And it's, it's great for us that we get to just work with that.

Like, I get to really work with him in that way and like, work with like, what his body's feeling that day.

And sometimes we don't do schoolwork till, you know, we like to do it in the morning if we can, but sometimes we don't do it till the afternoon and like, that's okay.

Herb: 00:13:36

And that protects your relationship too.

That fighting to get your kids, that getting angry, that's their word, sometimes gets sad.

It's like, oh, I'm frustrated that you're not ready and.

And that just gone.

Just gone.

Kylie Roman: 00:13:51

Yeah.

And I just, Yeah.

I just think about, like, how lucky am I that I get to do this with him?

That, like, we're in a place financially and in life where, like, my husband was like, yes, like, just stay home with him.

He would have, you know, loved for me to have never gone back to work, but that was something I wanted to do.

And even though I was only working like two days a week, it was something I really enjoyed, so it was hard to leave that.

But again, like, he's my number one priority, my only child.

And I was like, I, we only had one child so that we could do Something like this with him.

Like, we wanted to give him every opportunity.

And if that means me being home with him because we're not doing some kind of school system, then that's what.

That's how it works.

And again, like, we met Christina when he was about four, when we were working at a tutoring center, and he just, like, he flourished there.

I mean, he's not one that just easily trusts.

So, like, I know the first couple of months of, like, getting him into that routine, and he's, again, he's very stubborn.

So he's gonna be really hard, and he's gonna push it just to see how far he can push your boundaries.

But once he was like, okay, she means business.

She's not gonna let me get away with this.

And then he would just come in, sit down, do his work.

Like, he does have his own ideas still where he, you know, you have to give him some, like, incentive.

Like, okay, if you want to, you know, play this game, we have to do this amount of work first, and then we can play this game.

And even to this day, we still go to the tutoring center, we see a different tutor that he's worked with, but there's a lot of days where he's like, let's go see Christina.

I'm like, no.

Remember, Christina moved.

Like, we'll.

We'll see her when she's in town.

You know, he's like, okay.

But when it came to the whole idea of homeschool, we were actually going to be working with a charter school.

And within, like, weeks before it was supposed to start, the program ended up, like, shutting down for their own personal reasons.

It didn't have anything to do with the program itself.

It was like the building that they were leasing out.

Kristina: 00:15:49

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:15:51

And I remember texting and calling Christina in an absolute panic because I was like, what am I.

What am I going to do now?

I don't know what to do.

And she was.

She just gave me the encouragement of, like, you can do this.

Like, we've already talked about homeschool.

We were already going to kind of do a hybrid of, like, working with this charter school, but doing homeschool at home.

And so without her support and just guidance on that, I. I don't think I would have built the confidence that I have now.

So, again, a lot of this does go to you, Christina, because I appreciate all of the help that you've given us and continue to give us.

I know that I can text you whenever I have questions or need some support, and it really has Just Barrett in the last couple of years has just flourished in a lot of ways.

And it's.

Kristina: 00:16:36

I want to jump back for a second when you were talking about building those routines and not having to get him up and things like that.

I mean, but.

And it kind of almost sounds like he rules the roost.

Right.

If I'm gonna get up, if I don't.

But I know you, right.

And your family values.

You really want and expect a well mannered kid to the best of his ability.

Kylie Roman: 00:16:58

Yes.

And we, we cannot let him think that he rules the roost.

He.

He thinks he does some days, but.

Kristina: 00:17:05

Right.

I just wanted to bring that out because, like, some parents are like, oh, well, so if the rhythm routine is following after the child, then they get to do whatever they want.

It's like, that's not what we're saying.

Kylie Roman: 00:17:14

No.

Yeah, no, that's definitely not what we're saying.

Kristina: 00:17:17

Based on sleep, based on eating, based on family.

Kylie Roman: 00:17:20

It definitely depends on the day.

And there are some days where, you know, we both just don't have the energy to like, fully fight and push him on certain things, especially if sleep is really disrupted or.

We had some health stuff going on last year that really disrupted our entire schedule.

But we knew that that was kind of going to happen with what was going on at that point.

So we did give him a lot of leeway.

And then once that period was over, I think it did take us about two months to like, really get back on track because we knew we.

With what was going on.

His body was so dysregulated and we felt like we were just like diffusing a bomb all day long.

So we gave in to him way too much.

And then we learned after the fact that, you know, that was probably not the greatest.

Like, we probably should have just fought with him a little bit more and dealt with the backlash from that.

But it took us a little bit to get back on track.

But we, I mean, we do have outside therapy, so we still do have schedule things during the week.

And, you know, we go to tutoring during the week as well.

So we do have to keep on track to an extent with a schedule to get him knowing, like, hey, we're going to this on this day at this time, so we have to get this done in this period.

Like, we have five hours to get, you know, an hour to an hour and a half of work done.

And sometimes he busts out in 45 minutes.

And I was like, wow, that was really easy for you.

So now we can do other Things.

But no, we, we do keep him as scheduled as possible.

Like our nighttime schedule is very, very consistent because if that gets thrown off too much, like one night here and there.

Letting him stay up a little later is one thing, but keeping that really consistent helps try to keep his sleep as consistent as possible.

I think we are getting into that like 8 year old phase where he does think that he's the boss sometimes.

And there's a.

He's also really learned how to like, I call it rage baiting.

So he like rage baits his dad so he will do things that he knows.

Purposely pick at him.

Yes.

And we have to like, let's not do that.

We're.

That's not nice.

Kristina: 00:19:27

We're not going there.

Kylie Roman: 00:19:28

Yeah, yeah, let's talk about that a.

Kristina: 00:19:30

Little bit because that's one of the things that I really, really want parents to think about, especially if they're working with a child who needs therapy or is medically fragile.

How does that work into your rhythm and routine of schooling?

And does that actually become part of quote, unquote school?

And how do you feel about that?

Because for me, I know how I feel, but as a mom, it took you a minute.

It's like, well, wait a minute.

No, we have all these things we have to do and then we have school.

Talk about that.

That back and forth and how that's kind of developed.

Kylie Roman: 00:20:00

Yeah.

So once we got his, we had worked with like early intervention during preschool.

We had gotten him evaluated before he started preschool.

And at that point they said they weren't comfortable giving him a diagnosis.

But when we worked with early intervention, they felt comfortable giving him a diagnosis due to his like, speech communication and like social communication.

And so once we finished that out, we had actually switched to a different pediatrician because we were really struggling with our pediatrician listening to us.

He, they did finally say, like they would get us a referral somewhere, but it would be like a year long wait list.

And then.

Yeah, so we ended up switching to someone that one of his preschool teachers like referred us to.

And we got him within three months and they did give him his diagnosis.

And at that point we'd already worked with a speech therapist at a different place, but it was only like a 15 minute session.

So we were driving 25 minutes into town to do a 15 minute session.

It was really not a productive session.

And so at that point we had decided to start doing.

Yes, we decided to start doing two days a week of tutoring instead of just one, because it was an hour of one to one.

And because he had already benefited so much from that during his preschool years, we were like, we'll just do the hour of one to one or two hours technically.

And then we had started homeschooling.

And so my cats are over there arguing.

So once we got in with the new specialist and they gave him the diagnosis, his new pediatrician's office was getting an in house speech therapist.

And so we set up a schedule with her.

At this point, I think we'd gone down to one day a week of tutoring because of the two hour or the two days a week of speech therapies, how they wanted to split it up.

So I keep his schedule with that consistent.

I schedule him months out in advance for the same two days at the same exact time.

So that is the most consistent thing.

And so for a while, when he would wake up, he was waking up pretty early in the morning when he was sleeping really well.

So he'd wake up, we'd have, you know, about an hour to an hour and a half of, you know, eating breakfast, getting dressed.

He'd watch a little bit of TV while he's eating breakfast and then TV goes off.

We do our calendar, we pull out our work for the day.

Sometimes it wasn't even just pulling out work.

Sometimes it was doing like physical craft activities.

He loves arts and crafts.

He loves drawing, coloring, cutting things out.

So we would do stuff like that or cooking things and like having him help us measure everything out.

And it was messy and sometimes it's a little frustrating, but you got to work through it because these are life skills that he needed to build.

And that's the biggest thing with homeschools.

It's not just strictly school educational based.

And that's what you explained to me a lot of.

And then I've also explained that to a lot of people because I've had a lot of people ask, how do you homeschool?

And I was like, it's not sitting down at the table for six hours a day.

It's not.

Herb: 00:22:57

I want to ask a question about that.

Or she won't let me get in because I was around for the start of that when you first started homeschooling.

And I got, I got earfuls and not, not in a bad way, not so like, oh, this is what's going on and he's doing this now and oh my gosh.

And then she would like, I'll be tearing up.

But one of the what's right off the bat, it's like she kept telling you to slow down and like you're doing too much.

How.

How did that actually help you and what happened after you actually slowed down and got appropriate levels of daily education in?

What happened?

Kylie Roman: 00:23:41

Well, so obviously in the early days, year ish of homeschooling, because now we're going on year three, I was still stuck in the mindset of like it being as close to school as possible.

And so I just wanted to make sure that I was getting everything in.

So I was trying to plan out these like curriculum lessons for him because Christina just sends us, sends me what the guidelines are for each year.

And then I find my own curriculum based off of that and also based off of how he likes to do things and things that he does like to do.

Like if I put a book in front of him with a bunch of book work, he automatically gets overwhelmed and he's done.

So I learned very early on those pages are coming out of the book.

We're doing one or two pages from that book at a time.

Cannot give him a full book.

But I was just trying to like cram in, you know, reading, math, writing in every single day because I was worried about him not getting that.

And like, you know, in a regular school day in school, that's what they would be getting.

They'd be getting this much time.

Time of reading, math, not always the most productive, depending on the classroom setting.

And so I once Christine and I like really talked about that and I came back down a little bit.

I was like, okay, like, I don't need to put so much pressure on myself because I know that he's making progress.

And I feel like us doing our tutoring sessions once a week right now is almost just like a weekly check in.

Like him working with his current tutor.

And she's putting stuff in front of him and he's either getting it really quick or she's working through those things with him.

And then we communicate about that.

So I'm like, okay, like, this is something I'm going to focus on a little bit more and maybe not focus on this as harshly.

So now we're not cramming everything into one day.

Maybe we'll do like, I do like to do at least like one small phonics reading book a day.

Also with like writing, as in, we start out the day with like writing.

My name is blank.

I'm this many years old.

And I like to do these two things.

And we try to switch it up.

I try to get him to write something different on there every day.

But then some days we just focus on doing math, something that he might struggle on in math.

We'll do a couple different kinds of math.

We'll bring food or toys into it where he can count and take away the toys.

And then days with like reading or writing specifically, we'll try to find other fun things.

Like if he has toys that he's.

Or show that he's really into, we'll try to base it off of that.

Like, what do they do in that show?

Oh, they did this.

Okay, let's write that down.

Let's figure out these words and put these words in a sentence that we have all these cards of to write down what you're trying to say.

So not focusing on putting everything into one day has like chilled things out a lot and given us a lot more time to do a fun activity instead of trying to cram all this stuff into a specific amount of time.

Kristina: 00:26:38

And again, protecting that relationship.

Right.

So instead of fighting over the work, it's coming at an easier pace.

And then you're not fighting over, you're doing things as he's ready for it.

Kylie Roman: 00:26:48

Yes.

Kristina: 00:26:49

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:26:49

And there are days like if we, you know, if he doesn't sleep, great.

But he has speech therapy that day.

His speech therapist mainly works on about like reading and writing with him because that's a very big thing for his speech.

He's a gestalt language learner.

I don't think I said that right.

I don't think anyone says it right.

But he started learning how to speak with in like phrases almost.

So he would hear a phrase and then he would kind of repeat the phrase and then he'd figure out where that phrase comes into communication to get what he needs.

Kristina: 00:27:20

Yep.

Kylie Roman: 00:27:22

Which again, he was never a, he's never been non verbal.

He was just limited.

But he did have this massive vocabulary.

And if it's something that interests him, he can tell us all about it.

Kristina: 00:27:34

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:27:35

But if you ask him, how's your day?

He's like, nothing.

Kristina: 00:27:38

Yeah, exactly.

Kylie Roman: 00:27:39

Was it good or bad?

And then he'll answer, but you got to prompt him a little bit.

Kristina: 00:27:44

I really want to focus on real quick here.

How do you measure progress?

Right.

Because with him and the way he communicates, etc.

Regular sit down, take a test.

Is not the way you, you, you garner progress or see progress.

So talk about how you know when he's like kind of got something or when he shows some progress.

I have a story I want to tell, but I also want to respect his privacy.

Kylie Roman: 00:28:08

I'm just like, you can tell it.

I'm sure it's fine.

He's a very.

He doesn't like to show people how smart he is, which reminds me so much of my husband.

He's very stubborn about it.

So there will be times where I like sit there, like, are you even getting this?

And I'll just kind of like push him a little bit on it and then he'll roll his eyes and sigh and then he'll just do it, do it.

And I'm like, wow, I feel like we've been struggling with this for a while and you just did that with like, so like me inconveniencing you so much.

But also the fact that he is in tutoring.

I feel like again, like, that's like a weekly check in for us almost to know that what we're doing at home, he's grasping because he brings it into tutoring or vice versa.

Like they'll do something in tutoring, which he's, you know, done this for years.

He'll do something in tutoring and we'll come home and I'll put something similar in front of him and he just gets it.

So it's.

There's not really like a specific way that we like, can test it for him.

It does take a lot to get him to prove to us willingly what he knows.

But again, if I, I think he also gets annoyed because if I don't think that he's grasping it, it's something that I'll like repetitively work on with him.

And I think when he gets annoyed with me, I'm like, it's because you get it and you just don't want to do it anymore.

So.

But until he'll, until he'll prove it to me, I'm like, we're gonna keep working on this, so just show me that you know what I'm talking about here.

Herb: 00:29:42

Exactly.

Kristina: 00:29:42

Yeah.

It's one of those things that we as, as kids, as moms, as parents, as teachers, we need to look at them as capable, as understanding as much as possible.

And unfortunately, with a lot of our kids on the spectrum of special diagnosis, we look at diagnoses, we look at them as incapable or incapable until they prove it to us.

And we have to really kind of let that go sometimes.

Yeah, it's the Alphabet story, right?

We were singing a song in tutoring, we were playing with the Alphabet and the animals and things like that.

And I wasn't sure he was getting it.

And then all of a sudden Kylie sends me a picture.

She's like, what is he doing?

What is he doing?

And he had not only, like, was singing the song, he had created all the animals and the letters and was putting them in order on the floor.

And we didn't think he knew what they were.

And he was like, boom.

Doing all of that.

Kylie Roman: 00:30:36

Yeah.

Kristina: 00:30:37

Because that's what interested him at the moment.

Kylie Roman: 00:30:39

It's like, well, and then he goes down the rabbit hole of it because he.

He will get repetitive on something.

And so then he was drawing.

He drew an Alphabet train.

So there was a train car with some kind of animal.

And the letter he drew, the entire thing made my husband and I cut it out.

And then he would line it up in the house.

Herb: 00:31:02

Yep.

Kylie Roman: 00:31:02

And then he would move it room to room, like, little piece by little piece.

Because they weren't big ones.

They were probably, like, this big.

And he would move them all around the house, and then he would do that repetitively.

He would not want to play with those.

After a couple of days, he would draw a completely new one.

Kristina: 00:31:18

Yes.

Kylie Roman: 00:31:19

He also, this last year, taught himself how to sing the Alphabet backwards.

Kristina: 00:31:24

Yep.

Kylie Roman: 00:31:25

We also learned how to sing the Alphabet, but only in the letter sounds, not with the actual letters.

No way.

Yeah, that one.

Yeah.

So just, like, all these things that he does, it.

It just amazes me, the Alphabet backwards thing he did on his own.

Kristina: 00:31:43

On his own?

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:31:44

I think he had seen it on a show or something.

They were like, someone was saying it backwards, but, like, they didn't finish it.

And then he went and was looking at the Alphabet and then just taught himself how to do it backwards.

And then we'd just be driving in the car, and he would just say it backwards.

He actually taught me how to do it backwards because he said it so many times that I memorized it.

Kristina: 00:32:03

Huh.

Kylie Roman: 00:32:04

Yeah.

He teaches me things.

Herb: 00:32:06

It's probably a cop show, because that's like a.

If you're driving inebriated, but we'll say the Alphabet backwards.

It's like, man, I can't do that when I'm sober.

Right?

Kylie Roman: 00:32:17

No, he can do it on just a regular Tuesday now.

So it's just amazing.

He just does these things sometimes.

And we have always.

Because we.

When we were going down everything, like, it's not just me.

My husband does educate himself a lot as well.

I just have a lot more time to sit down and educate myself.

And, like, since I'm home with him with our son all the time, if he does something, I'll look it up.

If he does something that I'm curious about, whether it's normal or just is that, you know, I feel like so much nowadays is everything is autism, but I feel like a lot of people are missing that.

Like, the spectrum isn't just this way.

The spectrum is like a giant pie chart and there's sections to each chart of like where you are at.

So it's just, it's almost like a color chart.

When you look at like the color wheel, I feel like that is more so how the autism spectrum works.

And you can either be really far down or you can be really far out in so many different areas of life.

So I feel like for, you know, us looking at that and like looking at him like, he has always been extremely physically capable.

And so we try to not like stop him from doing certain things unless it's obviously not safe.

But again, when your kids are certain ages, you kind of got to let them do slightly dangerous things safely with lots of supervision.

So he's learned a lot from just physically doing things.

Like, he is a very physical learner.

So a lot of the times if we're doing stuff even at home, I'll just say, hey, go pick that up and put it over there on this counter.

And if he's kind of struggling with it, I'll walk over like, look this, we're taking it over here, putting it here, and then I'll put it back and make him do it.

Kristina: 00:34:06

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:34:07

So just little things like that, like, we always want to pretend or not pretend, but come at it with like him knowing how to do it until he shows us that he doesn't.

And then we'll work through that.

Kristina: 00:34:20

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:34:20

And I feel like that's, you know, we actually just.

This is kind of side note to things.

My husband.

I just went to see Temple grand and speak a few weeks ago and that was like such a fun experience.

Just listening to her talk about her views on the spectrum.

And one of the biggest things that she was saying was like when she was younger and she was having her struggles, one of the biggest things is that she was pushed into doing things.

Like, she was pushed into places where maybe like sensory wise, it was a lot, but.

And then if it was too much and she started to have meltdown, her parents were like, okay, you know, we're going to remove you from this situation.

And like she was saying if she just had a meltdown because she felt like it, because she was frustrated about something that like, maybe she.

It was more like a power struggle.

I feel like a lot of kids in the textual, it is a power struggle.

With them, they are so smart.

And I feel like, you know, a lot of parents or people that I've listened to on your podcast have talked about how, like, their kids might physically have, like, apraxia, but they're stuck in here, and they're so intelligent, and they just can't get it out.

And so for her, she was, like, just being put in those uncomfortable situations.

Like, that's how these kids are really going to learn how to work through some of their struggles.

Like, she brought up seeing kids wearing headphones constantly right now.

She was like, that's really not good.

You have to put these kids in uncomfortable situations, and if it does start to become overwhelming, where they start to have, like, that sensory overload, then give them the headphones and, like, take them to a calm place, let them calm down.

She's like, but exposing them to things is the best thing that you can do.

And again, like, for her, she said, you know, talking to people and communicating was really hard.

And.

But she said at that time, her parents would have dinner parties.

And she said, and it was her and her siblings jobs to greet the people that were coming in the door, take their jackets, ask them if they wanted anything to drink.

So that really forced her to have that human conversation interaction with all different kinds of people.

That's definitely something I need to, like, work on.

With Barrett, we have a hard time.

I have a hard time trying to find something that's going to be a safe situation with people that are going to really understand him or be calm with the fact that when he's first in a situation and he doesn't, he's really excited, but he's not.

He's so in his head about all of this overload that's going on.

And he's not having a meltdown, but he's processing.

He's not conversational at first.

It takes him a lot to, like, become conversational.

So that's my own goal, is to, like, continue to push him into situations.

Even if we're at the grocery store and someone talks to him, a lot of the times he doesn't want to talk back.

So I have to, like, entice him, be like, hey, you were asked a question.

What.

What's your answer to this?

Do you want to give this kind of answer and then have, like, oh, yeah.

But then sometimes randomly, he'll just talk to complete strangers.

Kristina: 00:37:14

Yeah.

Herb: 00:37:14

And I'm like, another shameless pug for our podcast.

I remember Christina actually almost crying on this one when.

When Barrett was.

I'm sorry.

Kylie Roman: 00:37:26

It's okay.

I've already said his name.

If you didn't.

Herb: 00:37:29

All right.

When he was having trouble eating and didn't want to eat and you watched something on our podcast and he start.

You started letting him play with his food.

Can you describe that and is that still working?

Kylie Roman: 00:37:41

Yes.

Yeah.

So there is like a very picky eater.

He doesn't necessarily have, like, food aversions.

He just gets on, like, what he wants.

And it's frustrating for my husband and I because we very early on cut a lot of preservatives and dyes and sugars, like all this stuff out of his diet.

He does get it occasionally because he's a kid and, you know, if we're somewhere and someone offers him that, you know, he's got to be a kid, he's got to, you know, enjoy things.

Herb: 00:38:10

Do you notice changes after he eats that food?

Kylie Roman: 00:38:13

Yes, very much.

Like right away, within a few hours.

Kristina: 00:38:17

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:38:18

Depending on what time of day too.

It will make bedtime a lot harder.

He, or even sometimes going into the next day, he just wakes up and just has a complete attitude change.

So as little as possible.

Still with all of that.

But that was our biggest struggle was because he would eat all of that if we let him.

Like, he loves going up to his Grammy and papa's house because they have got a pantry built for my 23 year old brother who is a stick and can eat whatever he wants.

And so he just loves going up there because he's like, oh, all these good snack things that mom and dad don't have at home, he would eat all of that.

He would have a wide variety of foods that he would eat if it was something we allowed him to have in the house.

So I feel like almost like in his stubbornness, he was like, fine, then I'm only going to eat these 12 things.

And he still is kind of repetitive on that, but he has gotten a lot better about trying new things.

Like if we're cutting something up and he comes over, we just kind of like completely ignore the fact that he's like touching it or picking it up.

Like, we don't acknowledge it because as soon as we say, oh, do you want to try that?

Oh, no, yuck, yuck.

No thanks.

So there's a lot of times where, like, we'll just put things on the table and he'll just, he'll kind of touch it and eventually he puts in his mouth and we count that as a win.

We're like, oh, my gosh, it touched your tongue there we go try something new, and it's kind of like we're like, jokes on you.

You think you're playing us right now, but we're actually playing you.

So we have actually gotten a few new things that he's tried.

And it's really funny because he plays into it now.

Like, he'll try something and have like, yuck.

And then he'll go back a little bit later and like, try it again.

Herb: 00:40:03

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:40:04

And we're like, oh, yes, you.

That's so gross.

But he'll like, come up to us and be like, yuck.

Kristina: 00:40:11

Yeah.

Kylie Roman: 00:40:11

You don't actually think that's yuck.

You like it and you're just trying to be stubborn.

Kristina: 00:40:15

He's such a charact.

Herb: 00:40:16

Okay, this might be the same thing.

I'll be outside working.

I'll eat bran.

I'll put branches in my mouth.

I'll put flowers.

It's like, oh, I wonder what this flower tastes like.

Sometimes it's like, it's not a really good thing.

Kylie Roman: 00:40:28

Not very good.

Yeah, he's very.

He's very curious.

Like, yeah, there.

I feel like every time we go outside, I'm like, don't put that in your mouth.

That's not actually food.

And he's like, well, I just want to know what the taste.

The dirt.

The dirt tastes like today.

Herb: 00:40:42

I just wanted for him too.

Kylie Roman: 00:40:44

It probably is.

I know.

I'm always like.

He never gets like.

As long as it's not a car.

Kristina: 00:40:48

Shop where the oil is or anything.

Kylie Roman: 00:40:50

Yeah, no, no, we definitely.

Kristina: 00:40:53

Just kidding.

All right, we gotta shift to you.

We've talked about homeschooling.

We've talked about the growth of your wonderful, awesome child.

How about you?

How have you shifted and changed?

What's something that you've noticed about yourself and you know, you talked about a little bit.

There are struggles.

There are hard days.

Maybe talk about that a little bit.

How do you feel and what helps you come out, because that's something that's not talked about a lot, is those days when you feel all alone.

What's.

Some things talk about you a little bit?

Kylie Roman: 00:41:25

Yeah, I think that.

I think a lot of the times it's just like my appreciation for the fact that, like, I'm.

I'm able to do stuff like this.

And again, like I said earlier, he is only going to be this age once.

We're only going to have this each single day with him one time.

And unfortunately, we've, like, we've had a very, like a year full of loss.

And I feel like that has also.

It played a role in, like, how school went this year.

It played a role in how I was just a lot more laid back this year with him.

Because I just have this whole appreciation of, like, I only get this time once.

I only get this day with him once.

And we might have days that are really frustrating, but at the end of the day when he's, you know, mellowing down and we're laying on the couch and he wants to cuddle with me, I'm just like, you're just the most perfect thing ever.

And I'm so grateful and blessed that, like, I. I have you and I get to learn all of these lessons, like, from you and with you, I have gotten my patience level for so much in life is just so, so much broader than it was.

I feel like just as a person, I have just, like, a different level of understanding because I've had to be so understanding with him and try to work with him through, like, him not being able to physically or verbally, like, tell me what he's feeling.

So it just gives me just a different understanding of, like, other people's feelings and emotion.

I feel like just in a different day to day life, like, I feel like I try to be more patient and understanding and calm and talk through a lot more things with people.

And it just.

I have gotten a lot of support from Christina.

So I know that whenever I'm having a day, if I'm having a rough day because he's having a rough day, whether it's from personal reasons or reasons with homeschooling, like, Christina's not just a homeschool friend anymore.

She's a personal friend.

I've also built that relationship with his speech therapist that we've been seeing for over two years now as well, because there have been days where we had, you know, big life events go on, but I still take him to tutoring.

And she's.

She said, why are you here today?

I said, because I can't, like, I can't disrupt his routine.

You know, like, even when I'm having those hard days, he's still the most important thing.

And he might not understand what I'm going through right now.

And not.

I don't always necessarily want him to because he's a child, but he has also become super empathetic.

Like, there was a day where I was very emotional and he saw me crying, and he's like, mom, are you.

Are you sick?

Mom, let's go lay in bed.

And he brought me all the way to my room.

He laid me in my bed, put my blanket on me, and then cuddled with me and was like, it's okay.

Mom.

Mom, do you need your water?

And just knowing that he has so much empathy because of what we've been through in the last few years just.

It just makes me feel so good inside as a parent, and I just know that I'm, like, making the right choices.

It's just constantly feeling like, even on the hard days, there are so many other good days that make me feel like the hard days are, you know, once in a while, the good days are so becoming so much more that I just have such a greater appreciation for just everything that, like, we've been able to do and just a greater appreciation for life and friends and family and advocating.

I, like, feel like I explain everything to people.

I'm not afraid or get my feelings hurt when people ask me questions, because I love educating people when it comes to.

Not even just my child, but other things going on in the autism community.

Like, if I can get somebody that's never been around it to understand it and get them to have a little bit more patience with people like that, with my.

Like, my son or just other people in general that have disabilities.

Like, I know that I'm doing something good for the world in that way.

So I've just.

It's been a long few years of just learning and adjusting, but at the end of it so far, and we're still going on, I just feel like we're just going to continue to make progress, and it's going to bring more people from the.

Like, we've just created, like, a community of people that, like, understand and, like, they enjoy being around Bear and they're very understanding with him because I've been able to, like, express things to them and explain things to them.

So, yeah, it's been a lot, but it's worth it, girl.

Kristina: 00:46:08

Yeah.

And the courage, the grit, everything I've seen in you, you know, take credit for that, because this is a mom with a mission and a passion, and she's going to do what she needs to do.

And it's not just this homeschooling.

I won't tell a bunch of other things, but there's other things she's done to make sure that his life is the best it can be in her family.

Life is the best that it can be.

So I am so honored to know you.

Thank you.

Kylie Roman: 00:46:34

Thank you.

Kristina: 00:46:35

Thank you.

Kylie Roman: 00:46:36

No, thank you.

Herb: 00:46:38

When you started this, did you think it could get to this point?

Did you think you would get.

Kylie Roman: 00:46:43

No, I had no idea what I was doing.

I was terrified.

But again, I had Christina's reassurance constantly.

Like, I. I kept telling her.

I was like, I. I'm not a teacher.

I was someone who struggled in school.

Like, I don't think, how am I supposed to teach my child?

But even, like, throughout teaching him the things that I'm teaching him, I feel like where I'm at in life as well, I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm learning so much myself about things that, like, maybe I didn't grasp when I was that age.

And like, that's, again, something with the educational system.

Is there.

Herb: 00:47:15

Yeah, that's.

That's what I.

Kylie Roman: 00:47:16

All these kids are in a.

Herb: 00:47:18

That's.

Yeah, that's one of our big three.

I'm not qualified to teach my child.

And it's like, because I did bad in school.

Well, you're living proof that the school system doesn't work for everybody.

If you did bad in school, it's like, why do you think that school is going to be so much better for your child than it was for you?

If you care, you are the best teacher.

If you want to be that, you are the best teacher for your child, because nobody's going to care for your child more than you are.

Nobody's going to push your child like you can.

Kylie Roman: 00:47:48

No one's going to make sure they're safe and comfortable, and which, I mean, not everyone, not every situation is going to be safe and comfortable.

You, again, you have to push yourself into those situations.

But for him as well, I just.

I had so many concerns with it.

And I. I know it's not all teachers and it's not all staff members.

I have a lot of really great friends that are teachers and staff members, and they're amazing.

But, like, seeing them also just burning out because of all these budget cuts, and it's so sad because they are so passionate about their job.

They want to help these kids as much as possible, love their job.

Kristina: 00:48:25

It's.

Kylie Roman: 00:48:25

It's very sad.

And so, I mean, even them, like, having their support and knowing that if.

If I have questions about anything, I have such a wide variety of people that I can go to.

And, yeah, it's.

I did not from the beginning think that I would be at this point, I had no idea where I would be.

I didn't know if I would have just given up already, but at the same time, I knew that I would not because I just have so many concerns and just in my heart, like, I Cannot put my child in that situation.

Yeah.

Like, it.

Like, it makes me, like, physically ill thinking about just dropping him off at a place that I don't know every inch of, with people that I don't know inside and out and just trusting that he's gonna be okay, and then knowing that at the end of the day, he would come home and he's not able to tell me if something happened or if that if something upset him.

And, like, that was something that, like, I was.

Like, I know that if something ever happened to him, like, the guilt would just eat me alive.

So for him, for our family, for my own sake, like, keeping him home has been the best thing in so many ways.

Herb: 00:49:36

And just that is just an amazing way to wrap this up.

We are running out of time, so thank you so much for sharing your story.

So many people talk about how their families are their number one priority, and then they don't do it.

And not only did you do it, but now you're reaching out into the community and you're helping other people, and that is going out and fighting that dragon.

You fought that dragon.

You found the gold nuggets.

You brought it home, and you're sharing what you learned, and that is the hero's journey.

So you are a hero, what you're doing.

Kylie Roman: 00:50:12

Thank you.

Herb: 00:50:13

Absolutely amazing.

And so thank you for being on our podcast.

Thank you for being a hero.

Thank you for making the world a better place.

Kylie Roman: 00:50:21

Thank you.

That was very sweet of you.

I really appreciate you guys having me on again.

It's been a long time coming for this situation to happen, so thank you very much for asking me.

I really appreciate it.

Herb: 00:50:31

Are you going to be able to say goodbye or are you going to cry?

Kristina: 00:50:33

I'm going to cry, but that's okay.

Kylie, thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

Kylie Roman: 00:50:37

Thank you, Christina.

Kristina: 00:50:39

Absolutely enjoyed the conversation.

Thank you for your inspiration, your hope, and your, you know, your bluntness sometimes, like, you know, this is the way it's got to be for my family and for us.

And hopefully it inspires.

I know it will inspire other families to at least look and then hopefully take that next big step and find somebody to help out.

So thank you, Kelly, for being here.

Thank you, audience, for being here.

And until next time, bye.