S2EP5-Jan Talen-Calm Parenting: Steps to Reconnect and Thrive as a Family

Herb: 00:00:20

Today I have the pleasure of introducing Jan Talen. Jan has been a marriage and family therapist for over 35 years.

She's had leadership positions in her professional organization and church spaces on many levels for many years and enjoyed eight years of teaching college freshmen. She is the producer of Family Crazy to Family, Calm the DNA Way to Communicate, an online marriage and parenting program.

She is a teacher and podcaster who helps you like being married and being parents together. Jen is a mom of four grown and married children. She's a grandma to 11 grandkids. Water is Jan's fun space. Water skiing, tubing, boating of all sorts.

Sailing and swimming are awesome, but so is snowboarding, shoveling snow and ice skating. Jan believed that life is supposed to be fun, fulfilling, unlimited, and naturally good, the way God intends it to be. Welcome, Jan.

Thank you for joining us today. It is a pleasure to have you here.

Jen Talen: 00:01:19

Yes, and it's a pleasure to be here. Thank you for having me taking time on a Friday to sit.

Kristina: 00:01:24

And you are so very welcome.

Jen Talen: 00:01:26

Thank you.

Kristina: 00:01:26

Also, because as we were talking right before the show, you're getting ready for some fun this weekend.

Jen Talen: 00:01:30

I am.

Kristina: 00:01:31

Those family that you have coming around.

Jen Talen: 00:01:33

Yep.

Kristina: 00:01:34

And we just had some fun with our family as well. We just got back last night. So thank you again for being here.

And you know, you're talking about something that's so dear to us having being a couple that's been married for 33 years, together for 35 years, raised two boys of our own.

You know, this marriage thing definitely has its ups and downs, but it's something that with the right help and the right support and everything, the right attitude, it really can move our families forward in a great way. So go ahead and jump into kind of your beginning story. Why the counseling part? Why the mental mentoring part around this marriage?

What brought you to this space besides just wanting families to be successful?

Jen Talen: 00:02:15

Well, it comes from two places. It comes from me and my husband realizing we had babies very quickly after marriage. We just sort of say that they came three years ahead of plan.

They weren't unplanned. They were just three years early. And so we had to dive in.

But very quickly we then we were both in grad school, then we were both starting careers, and we had babies and littles. And so very quickly, one of us took the marriage hat, one of us took the parenting hat.

And about eight to 10 years in, babies are now sort of done, but still little. So we're eight to zero, eight years old to zero. And boy, if you don't realize that we're in trouble and we are coasting.

And we only started off along this pretty straight path, but we're still not on the same path because one of us is married and one of us is dealing with the house and the kids. And so we took ourselves on a little vacation. Four kids, college debt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So not an expensive vacation, a little vacation.

But we like water and beach, so that's what we did. And we talked when we were awake. So that meant we talked in the morning and then. And we both had a list.

We showed each other the list before we left, but we didn't talk about it. We didn't want to be blindsided. We talked in the mornings, we talked. And the afternoons we played. We went to the beach.

We went on hikes to waterfalls. We found red clay. You know, we just did play. And in the evening, we usually did a nice dinner.

Not always inexpensive dinner, but a nice dinner that included sort of some adult space for us. So we were sort of working on blending those three. That's where the DNA part came from. We were a family that was crazy.

And we had to move to a space account. We had to figure out how to do that. So we had to match our desires. We had to use and uplevel some of how we behaved, how we interacted.

We had to change our skills. We had to change our own personal growth space. Okay, a little more willing to share, a little more willing to trust somebody who hasn't.

I was the parenting. He was the marriage guy. But I didn't know if I really trusted him being a parent, because I had been at it for eight years, and.

And we had to get on the same page, talking about it and doing it. It's the application of the skills and our needs and desires to go in the same direction. So. So we changed how we did things.

I talked like it was smooth. It wasn't really smooth, but it worked. And our family settled down. Our kids were, I want to say, more cooperative.

They're still kids, you know, like nobody ever screamed or cried or got mad. Is it like we didn't sit and pull our hair out wondering what to do, but we had a plan that actually worked. So that's part one. Part two is this.

I'm a marriage and family therapist. I've been listening to marriages and families for over 35 years. And as I aged.

Don't tell anybody I aged, but as I aged, the clients that came to me were the couples that had been married 15 to 25 years, and they're divorcing. Yeah. Why? Because they did what we had done. Pick the marriage hat. Pick the. The parenting hat. Road, separate roads, kids are grown.

They don't care if we divorce or not. And so they were divorcing. And their adult kids are mad because they've done a false. They put on a false front, and their kids are confused. Yeah.

And I started going, what it, you know, sort of a what is going on here? Kind of thing. And so then I started to do research on it, and I went, oh, wait, this is fixable. This isn't the. The way that it has to go.

This is fixable. I'm sort of, you know, like, I'm the one who has the garage full of things in case I need a thing because I just want to fix it. Yeah.

And I went, this is fixable. We have to. We just have to help couples in the first five to seven years of parenting. I don't care how long you've been married.

Five to seven years of parenting. And if we can do that and get you to wear both hats at the same time, you're going to be fine. We just have to make sure that's happening.

Herb: 00:07:07

So my question is, you said that your husband took on the marriage hat and you took on the parenting hat. What is the marriage hat? What does, what does that mean? That. That he was in charge of the marriage. I understand what it means.

You were in charge of the kids, but what did you mean by he was in charge of the marriage? What does that mean?

Jen Talen: 00:07:28

It meant he wanted to be sure that we, slash me, had some time for adult conversation or interaction. He wanted to be sure that we had money to go on a date, the two of us, which was always competing as the kids grew.

We had Christian education we were paying for, but then we were paying for sports clothes got bigger, got more expensive, those kinds of things. And so we were always scrunching a budget. And so he wanted to be sure we had money to go to a movie or to go to a play or even just enough gas to go.

We were in California to go drive to the beach. And I was like, well, I don't know if we can do that. We really can't afford a sitter. You know, gee, who's going to find the sitter? Kind of thing.

And I was always hedging, and he didn't want to be hedged anymore. Fair enough. Fair enough.

Herb: 00:08:31

So I. I don't know from my, from my point of view that that is basically a man's job is to make sure that he maintains the relationship with his wife.

So that's. That. That's actually kind of what we did a little bit. Because it's like, no, no.

Keeping my wife interested in me, Keeping my wife grounded in the relationship. That. That was, like, really super important to me. And so that is something that I focused on. And we've been together for 35 years, married for 33.

And because I. I unfortunately told this to my kids once. Well, maybe more than once. Is that. Is that I chose this woman to spend my life with.

It's like we chose to have kids, but I didn't get to pick you. I picked her. And so she's the most important thing in my life.

And we're going to be together forever, and you're going to be with us for 18, 20, 22 years. So my priority is her. And. And that was always something that. That has been. So when you were saying he.

He took charge of the marriage, I'm like, well done.

Jen Talen: 00:11:17

Well, yes, because somebody had to do it.

Herb: 00:11:20

Right?

Jen Talen: 00:11:20

Right. If nobody did it, if he just got married to work and didn't care about the marriage, that's a whole nother step away from things. Okay.

And isn't like, he and I didn't work plenty. We did, but he was the one who was talking about we ought to have time for. Or what about us? He was the one who wanted to haul out a candle.

He was the one who wanted to turn the music on. Okay. That wasn't really my space. By the time those kids were in bed, I was just done. And so, you know, there were times when we really.

When we knew we had a date. I said, that means that I won't do this, this, this, and this, because I'm going to save energy for the date. And he. He.

He didn't really care whether or not I folded the clothes.

Herb: 00:12:14

Yeah.

Jen Talen: 00:12:14

I cared if the laundry was on. He didn't really care. I said, you know, that means that everything's not put away when you come home. Okay.

Because I'm going to take a nap while the kids are napping. Okay. That means that the kids are going to have cereal for supper, because I can't pull that off and be ready to go at the same time.

Herb: 00:12:35

So to me, that sounds awesome.

Kristina: 00:12:40

Yes.

Jen Talen: 00:12:41

Well, kids are the same thing. Right. Because it did feel good.

It, well, felt better to me, too, because I was relieved of some of what I thought in my own head were the expectations, all the parenting things and all the marriage things. Right.

Herb: 00:13:00

But I must say that when I got home. I also did help with the parenting. We did the parenting together. So it wasn't. It wasn't quite as. As separate as apparently what you guys did. So I.

I was probably more involved in. In all of it. So. So. Yeah, but. But yeah, what, what you guys did, that's kind of what I would tell people who asked me how we got to get.

How we stayed together for so long.

It's because I put my effort into making sure that she knew how important she was to me, that she knew that she was for me forever and that, you know, the kids are going to come and go, that. That, you know, but.

But she's my partner for the rest of my life, so I talk about how I made her the most important work that I've ever done in my life. Yeah, the kids are awesome. The kids were. Well, they were amazing. One of them doesn't talk to us anymore. Right.

You know, that's kind of an epidemic of. Of people our age right now.

Jen Talen: 00:14:04

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Herb: 00:14:05

And so all of our friends and stuff, like, like we, they. We tell them what's going on, and they can't figure it out either because we were a very close family. We were very close with my son.

Jen Talen: 00:14:16

Yeah.

Herb: 00:14:16

Then, you know, he started hanging out with the wrong crowd and we became very disrespectful and. And not good enough to be around him and his family anymore. So it was very crazy.

Jen Talen: 00:14:28

Yeah.

Herb: 00:14:29

But at the same time, it's like we were very involved together in a lot of it, but the relationship, the marriage, that. Making sure that she understood that was. Was my job.

Jen Talen: 00:14:42

Yes. What I'm also hearing, aside from the.

The family sadness that you have at the moment, is that she responded to your invitation to come and recognize and be honored in me saying you're the most important thing.

Herb: 00:14:57

Not always. I gotta say. It's not. It wasn't a smooth road like you.

Kristina: 00:15:02

I was busy with, oh, we gotta do this with the kids and that with the kids and everything else. Exactly.

Herb: 00:15:07

I got mad at her once and didn't talk to her for eight months. And we slept together, we were in bed together, but we really didn't talk to each other.

And I was mad and I was waiting for her to say something about how come you're not talking to me. And after like eight months, it's like, it was a long time.

Kristina: 00:15:23

It was a long time, but not quite. But again, it was in those early years, like you're saying, is a lot of the problem when children are a priority because they need so much. Right.

Like you said, lots of times, you get beyond this track, and you're kind of going side by side and making sure that you really do take that time to reconnect.

Jen Talen: 00:15:43

Right. Yeah.

Kristina: 00:15:44

So what did you come up with as you were talking about some of the different things, you're like, you know, let's make sure we have those families that do carry on those marriages that do carry on after the kids, you know, grow up.

Herb: 00:15:55

Yeah. You had. You had your. He brought his list. You talked in the morning. What. What was. What were those conversations?

Kristina: 00:16:01

What are some things that you can tell parents now? What can we do to make sure we stick together after those kids are grown?

Jen Talen: 00:16:10

We talked a fair amount of. A fair amount about our need to be awake and physically connected. Now, not sexually connected, but physically connected.

We have always been people who sat by each other, who held hand, who hold hands. We still hold hands. Frequently people laugh at us. I'm like, we just don't know how to walk. Not holding hands. So, you know, we sort of get lost. Yeah.

So we hold hands. But we also made a rule that said that the kids don't get to sit between us. And so at dinner table, they can sit on either side of us.

In church, they can sit on our laps, but they can't sit between us. Okay. Because we are together. What it did was we then could have sort of.

If one of us was too ramped up about something, the under the table talk worked fairly well.

Kristina: 00:17:10

You know nothing about that, do you.

Herb: 00:17:12

Sweetie, stop talking about that. Calm down. Yeah, I don't know anything about that.

Jen Talen: 00:17:19

Okay, so. But then. Then as. As I did a little bit more research. Was that about.

It's about the hormones that we need to connect are released through eye contact, through touch, and through what I'm going to call calm conversation. Yeah. And it builds that courage to have those more tense or personal or vulnerable conversations so that we attach and we.

Our attachment has good influence. Yeah.

Herb: 00:17:49

So.

Jen Talen: 00:17:49

So that when I say something to Chip about, I. I'm wondering if we could consider it from this perspective. Instead of that perspective, he's willing to go and look at the other perspective.

My influence is calm and positive and hiding. Go ahead.

Kristina: 00:18:06

Yeah. Oh. Instead of being like an attack or you're doing something wrong because that connection is there.

It's like, can we look at this a little bit different and see if we can kind of figure it out or. Or change. Shift something a little bit?

Jen Talen: 00:18:16

Yeah. Yeah. There were several times, especially as the kids grew, that we went. We don't know what we don't know.

And we would sit on the edge of our bed, we would go to bed. We always pray in the morning, pray at night. So going to bed, praying, wondering, what in the heck are we going to do about this?

Our kids now talk about the agony of us not deciding. But we didn't decide what we were going to do until we sort of had asked all the questions that we could think of.

One of them being, what don't we know?

And we have a couple of parenting situations in our kids, teenage years that before we found out what we didn't know, we were going to come down hard on our kids. They had violated. And we weren't putting up with it. Slow down enough to figure out what don't we know?

And both times our kiddos gave us, finally gave us information that went, oh, you were late, but you behaved really well. Your choices were risky. We wish that you had had an adult involved because had the police been called, this is pre Internet days, pre phone days.

Not everything's recorded. But had the police been called, we couldn't have backed you up. Okay. But they had made wise and risky decisions.

You know, you can't complain about that. But had slammed down hard, we wouldn't have heard that part of our kids development.

Herb: 00:19:49

Yeah, that's, that's something that we used to do too. It's like I, I got angry at my kids and made decisions, came down hard on them once, and it's like, you know what?

That punishes me and it punishes them.

Jen Talen: 00:20:03

Yeah.

Herb: 00:20:03

So then what we decided to do is, is when stuff happened, it's like, okay, we're too angry to figure out what's going on right now, what the consequences should be. So we're going to separate for a while, we're going to calm down, we're going to come back together, and then we'll decide what the consequences are.

Kristina: 00:20:24

Not.

Herb: 00:20:24

Not punishments.

Jen Talen: 00:20:25

No.

Herb: 00:20:26

And we'll decide how to move forward based on, on what we understand now and then. So that, that saved so much because if you get, oh, you're grounded for a week. Well, then a parent's grounded for a week to make sure the K. I.

Jen Talen: 00:20:40

Never figured that one out. Why do we.

Herb: 00:20:44

So that, that calming down and deciding, okay, how are we going to move forward from here after we calm down and look at the situation a little more calmly?

Kristina: 00:20:54

So, yeah, that and I like the addition of finding out what we didn't know. You know, that's the other part of that space to find out a Little bit more.

Herb: 00:21:02

Because a lot of times it was. It was sometimes hours, sometimes it was the next day. But it gave the children also time to think of if they wanted to give us more as well.

Sometimes that happened, sometimes it didn't.

Jen Talen: 00:21:14

Y. Yep. Yeah. We had one conversation with one of our daughters, and she sort of told us that we could be the police. We didn't have to be her parent.

We could be the police. And. And I said, my taxes go for being the police. And. And I'm not paid to be a mom, so I'm not a police because I'm not paid.

And as we talked and listened to that and Chip and I walked away, we went, okay, hold on just a minute here. Because what she's saying is she doesn't have much relationship with us if that. If we can be the police. Do you have no relationship with the police?

Kristina: 00:21:51

Right.

Jen Talen: 00:21:52

It's a random person showing up to enforce a rule that you aren't going to agree with.

Kristina: 00:21:56

Yeah.

Jen Talen: 00:21:57

And so we then decided that she had to go on a walk with us and the dog three times a.

Herb: 00:22:03

Week, because for a teenage girl.

Jen Talen: 00:22:10

You know what she tells us? That was a game changer.

Kristina: 00:22:14

Yeah.

Jen Talen: 00:22:16

Now, she was 14 or 15, but that was a game changer. And we didn't. My guess is that when maybe we got away with that for maybe a month, it wasn't like you did it for a year.

But what it did was say you are first, and how we have to be in relationship with each other. Yes. We aren't in a hierarchy here. We're in relationships, and there are different behaviors because we're in different roles, but we're.

The relationship is still the first priority. And it's that connection.

Kristina: 00:22:47

Yeah.

Jen Talen: 00:22:47

We talk about touch, eye contact, tone of voice. Okay. So really sending the message that you are first, that I will sacrifice for you, I will give up things for you, you are important.

That leads almost all other behaviors. Yep.

Kristina: 00:23:07

Yeah, it's. Yeah. And that's it. And that's one of the things. But we hear, you know, so many experts like yourself talk about.

It's like we have to make sure those communication and relationships are built from the time they're little. And if they aren't, then do exactly like what you said. Find a way to build that relationship, build that communication.

Taking walks, doing chores together, doing a car ride, whatever you need to do.

Jen Talen: 00:23:31

That.

Kristina: 00:23:31

That person, that teenager, and you are actually communicating, talking more.

Herb: 00:23:36

Yeah. Sometimes it just is. Go in their room and sit next to them for a while while they're Doing whatever. You don't have to say anything.

You just have to be in their presence. And there's communication just in that as well.

Jen Talen: 00:23:49

Yeah, yeah. In, just in that, that memory. That communication is 85% non verbal only, you know, 20 to 15% of it is what your words say. It's how you say it.

What does your body say? What are you communicating while you're in the room with them? Okay. That really makes a difference.

And you know, we would say that it's the connection that matters at any stage. If, if your 2 year old, even your 1 year old is distressed and can't calm down, go back to connecting.

Go back to holding them, to reading stories, to singing, to rubbing their backs, to playing with them. Yeah. Because you're going to watch, they're going to follow you. You settle down. They're going to settle down. You connect with them.

Let them be clingy. If they're clingy. They're there for a reason.

Kristina: 00:24:41

There's a reason. Yeah, yeah.

Herb: 00:24:44

In the, in the coaching space, they call that co regulation.

Jen Talen: 00:24:48

Yes, they do.

Herb: 00:24:49

The coaches, even if the client starts to get anxious and ramped up, it's like it's really important for the coach to match the energy but to remain calm and have that person who's, who's really uncomfortable realize that, okay, my body is freaking out, but this person is calm so life isn't in danger and it allows that. Co regulation is like, okay, this person is calm.

I can, I can get there Whether, whether it's a conscious thing or whether it's just their bodies communicating, being calm in a situation where your children are going out of control is, is so very, very important.

Jen Talen: 00:25:30

Yeah. Yeah. And the message there in terms of the braining, the brain working is that I'm safe, I belong and that I'm safe. Yeah.

And those are the questions that are asked throughout our lifetime. Am I safe with you and do I belong with you? Am I important?

And that's what kids want to know and they want to know it through their adult years, you know as well, because there's still kids to you. They're still attached in that parent thing. My parents are, are gone. They've been passed away for probably more than 10 years, I guess.

But in that, this now, this void of me sort of calling myself an orphan. Yeah. I have no parents. I had wonderful parents.

But sometimes there's that I, I sort of lost the, you know, the person over all of my family and so am I safe and do I still belong? And the answer to that is yes. Yeah. But it's not as quick of a yes as when my parents were alive. Okay.

But goodness, you know, I mean, I'm 50 years old. Shouldn't I have this figured out by now?

Kristina: 00:26:34

Yeah, but we all go through those stages of life, you know, where we're, you know, a little bit more connected and then maybe a little bit disconnected, a little bit free or a little bit, you know, more closed in. So, you know, just those ages and stages of life.

But like you said, coming back and making sure you have that reconnection and where you don't have parents anymore, then you have to rely on your husband and your family and hopefully your siblings if you have something.

Jen Talen: 00:26:59

Absolutely. Yeah.

Herb: 00:27:00

I still have my mom, but I lost my dad about 10 years ago and yeah, there's that. I really wish I could talk to my dad to get his take on what is happening here. Not. Not because I'm not capable, not because I'm not competent.

But my dad had just a different way of looking at things and, and a calming presence. And it's like I really miss my d. It's like, wow, what? I wish I could talk to my dad about this.

And so yeah, that, that, that missing piece is, does sometimes feel unsafe. Like, you know, I'm, I'm not, I'm not my dad.

Jen Talen: 00:27:38

Yeah.

So, but now translate that into a little 7 year old or a 5 year old whose dad is on deployment or whose dad works the hours that the kiddo is awake and so doesn't really ever get to sleep. See dad, or the dad who just doesn't really know how to engage. And that kiddo has what you and I experience.

I feel safer and more calm when my dad's around, when I can talk to my dad. Okay. That his voice and his presence settles me down. And now, now that, you know, somebody just makes me cry.

Like, come on, just hug your little five year old guys, you know?

Kristina: 00:28:19

Yeah.

Herb: 00:28:20

Kind of when I grew up, when my relationship with my dad kind of started as just wait till your dad gets home, you know, so it's like he was the authoritarian family.

Kristina: 00:28:32

Yep.

Herb: 00:28:32

And. But he really wasn't that, that wasn't the relationship we had. But there was still that, oh, just wait till your dad gets home. And.

And so there's a lot of kids who sometimes end up being afraid of their dads in their early years because he's the authoritarian who's not there. And when he gets home, that's when you get in trouble.

Jen Talen: 00:28:50

Yeah. So I'm just going to say to the dads listening, settle down, love your kids.

You're going to get better behavior by being gentle than you are by being harsh. Oh, yeah, okay.

That listening to your kiddo and why they did what they did, when they know that they're safe and they can blab about it a little bit, you're going to find out all sorts of interesting information. You're going to find out who's bullying them. You're going to find out why they think it's not fair, and they're going to have some rationale.

You may not agree with it, but their little brain has figured out a rationale. And if we can honor that, they will continue to tell us their truth, and we will be able to then positively influence them to make better decisions.

But it comes from that connection of just be gentle even when your kids are in trouble. Find out what's happening and help your kids learn how to share it, how to talk about it.

And sometimes as kids get older to say, how do you want to make it right? Because they do. They want to make it right.

And when we take that power away from them, then they are more scared, which makes them less connected, which makes them more prone to be naughty.

Kristina: 00:30:09

Yeah. And what I'm hearing you say is, you know, have that connection, everything. That doesn't mean throw away all boundaries and expectations.

Jen Talen: 00:30:16

No, Right.

Kristina: 00:30:17

That means to within those boundaries and expectations, make sure you're doing that communication and helping them understand those kinds of things.

Because that also helps them feel safe when kids, where those bumpers are, where they kind of need to bounce back into the middle instead of keep going that way.

Herb: 00:30:33

You know, I got to say, as you said that it reminds me that, yeah, it was, wait till your dad gets home. But when my dad gets got home, he'd be like, hey, your mom said this. What's going on?

Jen Talen: 00:30:44

A wise dad, good job, right?

Herb: 00:30:47

So it wasn't, oh, your mom said this. Like, hey, your mom, your mom said this and what's going on?

And then he would hear like, okay, I'm really glad you said that, because now I don't have to beat you. And my dad, my dad never beat me.

Kristina: 00:31:03

But.

Herb: 00:31:05

You know, my dad, my dad never beat me. He wasn't that. That's why we had such. That's why I miss him so much. But at the same time, it's like, yeah, so there was. There was that communication.

There was that, you know, mom had a rough time. What's going on? Why did you give your mom a rough time? And let's figure out what's going on. So.

Jen Talen: 00:31:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's a hard road for the dad to walk between, you know, then trying to walk into a situation that is passed and has happened and try to take care of the kiddo in a way that also honors his wife's distress.

Herb: 00:31:36

Yes.

Jen Talen: 00:31:37

That's not always an easy road to walk.

Herb: 00:31:40

I know.

Kristina: 00:31:43

Because unfortunately, I kind of followed the same pattern when I got totally frustrated with the boys. It's like, fine, when dad gets home, then we're gonna deal with this.

Jen Talen: 00:31:51

So.

Kristina: 00:31:52

Yeah, exactly. Oh, my gosh. Well, Jen, you have a program that you talk about from family crazy to family calm.

Is there a tip or two that you kind of want to drop here with our. Our families who are listening that, you know, can help bring some of that calm?

Because unfortunately, right now, you know, especially beginning of school and then the holidays coming up, we do kind of go from family crazy, and we really do want that family calm.

Jen Talen: 00:32:18

Yeah, yeah. Yes. The. The program is. Is a thorough program that takes a eight months to a year to go through.

It's a year's worth of therapy really programmed into videos and coaching. The tips that I would like to give parents at the moment would be don't over schedule. Okay. Yep. Take.

Take a look at that schedule and just cut out some of it. Everybody doesn't have to go to everything. It's sometimes the truth, sometimes just having an extra hand.

So if you have the finances to hire a sitter or to hire a house cleaner for a bit, that. That can be well worth your time and money to make it through the holidays. Not everybody has that. But then I'm going to say dumb it down.

Fold less laundry, use more paper products if you need to. Okay. You say yes to one family party, but don't say yes to all three. Okay. And those are not easy choices.

But you might then say, oh, that breath of fresh air is going to be better. Yeah. Okay. They say, what can you bring to the parties? You say, I can bring carrots and bring your carrots and ranch dressing.

Kristina: 00:33:45

That's it.

Jen Talen: 00:33:46

That's what you can bring. I can bring that. And I can bring juice boxes. Done. Something your children will actually eat. Okay. Because we get food at holidays. Yeah. So.

And you know, have those family moments and husband wife moments that says we're in it together. If you're overwhelmed and we need to step back or step away, that's what we're going to do. Family first.

Kristina: 00:34:15

being recorded in November of: 2024

But it can also be the flip flop, the summer, all the summer parties and pool part. Anytime during the year when things kind of ramp up. Right? Exactly. I love that.

I've noticed that a lot when I work with families as well is like, oh, we're always so busy every night of the week there's something to do. And I heard another coach talk with families as well and they're like, think about this.

If you actually track the amount of time that your kids are engaged with something, sometimes kids are engaged with things like 60 hours a week and adult doesn't work. Well, some do. But you know, we try to keep work through about 40 hours a week and once you get to school and things like that.

And if you keep adding what, why would you put something on a child so much more intense than you would want to do as an adult?

Jen Talen: 00:35:11

Right.

Kristina: 00:35:11

Really? Look at that timing.

Jen Talen: 00:35:13

Yes.

Herb: 00:35:14

But there's also, there's, there's also personalities that, that are involved. Some kids are incredibly extroverted and they get their life by being around other people.

And so then maybe 60, 70 hours is how they co regulate and that's good for them. But their parents are extroverted or introverted and it's like so you know, you do have to take your kids personality cores into, into effect.

And if the parents are extroverted and your children are introverted and it's like oh, the parents are planning this and planning this and planning this and the kids are like completely get out of whack. Because it's like, no, the kid needs calm time. The kid needs to not be out there doing all that as much as well.

Jen Talen: 00:35:59

Yeah. There's the, the first level in the family crazy to family calm part is the D and that is define your dreams or your desires.

So that is think about what do you want the end of this party or the end of this weekend or the end of this conversation or the end of 20, 24 or five years down the road? Set your goals. What do you want it to look like? We drive our car where we look. We throw a ball where we look and we live where we look.

You want to have a united idea of what are we driving for. And there are seasons that are crazy. Soccer season overlap, swim season. What do you think that looked like? Right?

Herb: 00:36:44

Yeah. The saying around that is wear attention goes, your life flows.

Jen Talen: 00:36:49

So I never heard that. I like that. Yes. The other simple tip that I would give parents we just had, I just, I do it's grandma day on Tuesday.

And on grandma day, for the last three or four years, we have served meatballs with pasta, and that's what we serve. However, they serve meatballs with pasta on Monday night. And so grandma had to try to get the kids to eat pork and potatoes.

Well, they don't eat pork and potatoes on Tuesday night. They only eat them on Monday nights. So what. What my daughter has done is, has planned a very consistent meal plan.

Kristina: 00:37:31

Yes.

Jen Talen: 00:37:31

So that she doesn't have to make decisions. And the kids know when their favorite meal is coming. Love it. So if that's a part of what you need to do, just to simplify, simplify it.

Your grocery list is easier. Your shopping is easier. Okay. Don't try special foods when everybody else is stressed. Feed them what they like and know.

Kristina: 00:37:54

Yeah, I love that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

When you said that, you know, take something to the party or whatever that, you know your kids will eat so you know they have something to eat.

Because that's one thing I talk about as well, is like, you know, you can't expect a child to keep their emotions under control when their blood sugars are dysregulated when they haven't had something that satisfies their tummy. So. Exactly. Yeah. All those things work together.

Jen Talen: 00:38:19

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Herb: 00:38:20

We had what we were called staple meals, and so we had like 10 of them. So our, our, our meal plans seemed boring, but the kids ate everything that we cooked because we knew that they liked them all.

And that wasn't junk food. It was like a cycling menu that of foods that were simple, usually pretty easy to make. And then. Oh, what do you want for dinner? Question.

Kristina: 00:38:42

A lot easier.

Herb: 00:38:43

A lot easier.

Jen Talen: 00:38:45

Kidding. Yes.

Herb: 00:38:46

Sometimes that. What do you want for dinner? Is. Is the problem with dinner.

Jen Talen: 00:38:50

Yes. So the other thing that we did is the reality is that kids are hungry when they come home from school.

And the reality is my husband did get home from work until between 6 and 6:30. So I fed the kids bits of supper between 4 and 6. They had a glass of milk, they had some cheese, they had some peanut butter crackers.

They had some carrots. They had. And so by the time it got to be supper time, they ate a light meal and we ate a full meal, my husband and I. Okay.

But that made it so the kids were happy. We laughed, we goofed off. But, you know, we just like, take the stress out of it. If you don't need it in, simplify it.

Stop trying to make it the way it's supposed to be. And make it the way it works.

Kristina: 00:39:38

Yeah.

Jen Talen: 00:39:38

Yeah. Awesome.

Kristina: 00:39:39

I love those tips, and I really hope parents are grabbing those little gold nuggets that we always find in our episodes and really take them and, you know, put, put, put them where you can see them and then use them when you need them, because that's, that's the whole goal of this show. Bringing education home is the education is more than just academics. It's this life thing. It's this relationship thing.

It's this family things like how can we educate the whole family and have something that is happy, healthy, and successful in the end? And this has been such a wonderful conversation. Is there anything that we haven't quite reached that you were hoping to maybe talk about today?

Jen Talen: 00:40:14

No, I think that I would just do encourage people that if they are fumbling around and struggling and they've been doing it for more than three months, don't wait for three years to go by. It's too much cleanup and it's expensive.

Herb: 00:40:28

Yeah. And if three years have gone by, don't wait for five years to go by. And if five years have gone by, don't wait for six.

Jen Talen: 00:40:36

You know, it's relationship expensive and it's financially expensive. So, you know, connect with me.

Connect with another coach, but do something that can help you get the transition into a much better shared space together because it's worth the work for you and for your family. And feeling calm doesn't mean you're boring.

Feeling calm just means that you have the energy to do what you want to do and you're free to laugh without worrying about if somebody's going to be mad.

Kristina: 00:41:08

Love it.

Jen Talen: 00:41:09

Absolutely.

Kristina: 00:41:09

And that was going to be my next question.

Would you please say out loud, everything will be in the show notes, but say out loud how parents can get a hold of you or families can get a hold of you and follow up with interesting questions for you.

Jen Talen: 00:41:20

Yes. So email is janusandkids.com and lots of places on the website in terms of connecting.

So you can use a connect with me button on the website, which is us and kids, and that space is easily available. You can follow me on Instagram usandkids. And you can find me on Facebook.

Sort of often the duplication of what's on Instagram, but you can find me on Facebook as well. All under the US and kids. Not under the family crazy, but under us and kids.

Kristina: 00:41:59

Okay.

Herb: 00:42:00

For so many things in life, we have to go to school. When you get a job, you have to go through training. But when you have sex, people think, oh, you know, what it is to be a parent now.

And there is so much that parents don't know. And they think, well, everybody else gots it.

You know, in this new day and age of everybody on Facebook showing their perfect families and their perfect meals and. And their food perfectly before it gets all messy when they start eating it. It's like, family is messy. Family is not. Is not picture perfect. And.

And people don't come into life knowing how to do it. So if it's tough for you, if there are issues going on, get help.

And as you know, again, kids come and go, jobs come and go, but hopefully the person you pick to spend the rest of your life with is there for the rest of your life. And so if you need help with that, it is. It is essential that you find someone to help you with that, because that is so very important.

Jen Talen: 00:43:07

Yeah.

The other thing that I could say is that the DNA way to communicate is comprehensive because it deals with how do we figure out our dreams and our desires, and then it builds on connection and speaking and listening and then how touch plays a role in that.

So we're going to up level all of those skills, and then we're going to move into conflict resolution and we're going to talk about honor, respect, and protecting. Talk about how to give benefit of the doubt and how to turn towards each other, say, emotionally and physically connected.

Even when there's tension, don't turn your back emotionally. Don't know. Silent treatment. We can have quiet, but not the silent treatment. You can stay facing towards each other.

And that's really the core of what the communication program is about. Love it.

Kristina: 00:44:02

Absolutely love it. Yeah. Yeah. That's something we worked really hard on.

It's like, yeah, we might not be very happy with each other, but there's always at least a small kiss on.

Jen Talen: 00:44:12

Yeah.

Kristina: 00:44:13

Going to bed and knowing that we're still connected.

Herb: 00:44:16

Yep. And there was all there was. There was never an out for us. Yeah, there was never an out. And so it's like there. There was.

It's like, well, if we're mad, we got to figure this out because we're in it forever.

Kristina: 00:44:27

Committed.

Jen Talen: 00:44:27

Yeah.

Herb: 00:44:28

And so if you give yourself an out, eventually you'll take that out. So.

Jen Talen: 00:44:32

Yep.

Herb: 00:44:33

So don't. Don't give yourself that out. Work, work. Figure it out. Make it a priority, because this is the most important work you'll ever do in your life.

Kristina: 00:44:42

And helping those kids grow up happy, healthy, and strong is the second best, right?

Jen Talen: 00:44:47

Yes, it is. It is. Yes.

Herb: 00:44:50

Providing the role model.

Kristina: 00:44:51

Yep, the good role model. Awesome audience. It has been a joy having Jan with us today and I hope you have found those gold nuggets like I was talking about.

Please make sure that you share the episode, share the podcast, share this information with others that you know might need a little bit of a boost to help their family, help their kids find out about the education, the family development, everything that they need. So until next time, thank you for being here, thank you for sharing, and thank you for following along. See you later.

Herb: 00:45:20

Bye.

Kristina: 00:45:21

Bye for now.

Herb: 00:45:21

Bye for now.