S2EP2-Michelle Dekeyser-Unlocking Mama Genius: Empowering Moms to Shine

Herb: 00:00:19

ing author to voices of Women: 2023

With her children Liam and Bella, who are also authors, she supports mothers in discovering their unique genius through grace and community. Founder of Connecting Mamas and the Mama's Genius Hub, she hosts the Mama's Genius Hub podcast. Inspiring moms Everywhere.

Michelle aims to create a world of passionate, connected mamas who inspire their children. She is the proud mother of Liam, Bellum and Lily. Welcome, Michelle. It is a pleasure to have you on our show.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:00:58

Well, thank you so much. Sorry for tongue tying you so much, but I'm so happy to be here. Thanks, Herb, for the great introduction.

Kristina: 00:01:04

You are very welcome and I am also glad to be here.

Michelle and I have known each other for quite a while now, and, you know, she's one of those people that I really love talking with because of the inspiration and the different things that comes through what she's talking about, how she's trying to impact the world. And it's just a great compliment to what we talk about here on Bringing Education Home. So thank you, Michelle, again, for being here.

Herb: 00:01:24

Yep. And you was on our Bringing Education Home summit, which is a little different.

Kristina: 00:01:29

Than our podcast, State of Education.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:01:31

Yep.

Herb: 00:01:32

State of Education. So. So welcome to our podcast.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:01:35

Yay. I'm glad to be here.

Kristina: 00:01:38

Awesome. Well, let's jump into that whole passion thing, right? You are an author, you are a speaker.

You're really working on helping moms really be empowered and find their geniuses and stuff. Where does that passion come from? Why did you decide to go down that road when you're so busy being a mom yourself?

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:01:56

I think it was more the type of people that I was, kind of what I was trying to do with myself. And so I can remember, like, one of my. The stories that really cements this for me is, like, standing outside my window.

And I was actually nine months pregnant with Lily at the time. So I'm like, rubbing my pregnant belly. But I'm looking outside and I can see all the neighborhood moms bringing the dishes and stuff.

And I just start crying knowing that I wasn't invited there and just feeling that loneliness in motherhood and wanting to feel that connection. But the irony to all that is sometimes when I was the following year then I decided, well, you know, I want this connection. I want this community.

I'm going to host a neighborhood Halloween party. So I had 70 people in my driveway. I find myself back up in that Same window, crying like, this isn't what I wanted.

Like, there's all these people here, I can go talk to them. But like, it's not the connection that I personally wanted. And so when you say, when you're not finding it, go build it. Right.

And so for me, it was really like I wanted something more than just the mom nights out where you're sitting there complaining about the husband and the kids and the same conversations over and like you're getting out and everyone's just. But it doesn't feel fulfilling to me. So I wanted to share about our dreams and share about the things that we want to do.

And of course there's any struggle in that, but it's not living in those complaints of it all. And that's what I was feeling going around. So, like, I want to change that to realizing what are we good at?

What are the things we actually desire and how do we get those things?

Kristina: 00:03:24

Absolutely. Yeah.

It's one of those things that, like you said, you build it and you try to, you try different things until you hit that thing that really makes that fulfillment. And that's one of the reasons why, why our podcast of bringing education home.

It's like there's a lot of people talking about the bad things that are going on with education. There's bad. All the talk about how the schools aren't helping us and things like that.

But again, we're trying to bring out that light of what can you do about it and how can you move forward? And let's make sure we're doing something that helps our children through all of this. So. Yeah, exactly. Different avenues, but same kind of thing.

Let's bring the light, the joy, the moving forward, the positiveness into all of this. Yeah, absolutely. Love it. So when you said that you're also a speaker and you're building this thing called the Mama Genius Hub.

Want to talk about that a little bit? What, what is that about? And how is it kind of helping moms?

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:04:16

So the Mama Genius Hub is going to be the one stop shop for all moms to live in their genius and inspire their kids.

And the way we're going to do this is all the speakers that have been part of the festivals and things and people that are called to us are creating what we call mini courses. And so there'll be week long courses. Each speaker is getting a mini section of five of five videos. Right.

But I want to do this in mom time because we are busy. I know that. And up to this point, a lot of times we think we don't have the time or space for it.

So everything that you do in here is 15 minutes or less. So the videos I'm talking about are one to five minutes.

And then we do have workbooks to go with it because if you just listen to stuff which we do all the time and.

But if we don't implement it, if we don't think about it or, or, or make that process for our mind to something, then it just becomes potential knowledge.

And so this is geared to be a one to five minute video and then ten minutes of like to go with your one page of the workbook or whatever it is that goes with it to actually cement that material into your mind. And so you're actually completing something in 15 minutes or less.

And if you're just doing that once a day, then you're progressing forward into the things that you want to do. And sometimes we think it's too overwhelming to start something new and, or we might not know what that is yet.

So I want to create the spot that gives like that smorgasbord of like, I got no idea what I want. Let me try out a couple of different things.

And then if I do jive with one of the speakers or one of the programs or something, then I can move on to that or whatever it is. But it's about really creating that spot of how do I figure out what I want without.

I don't know about you, but I've gone down the route of way too many courses, way too much of these things like, and not still wasn't quite sure for me it was going down the business route. And some people that might not be it, but I just want to help moms figure out what is their genius, what is something they want to do.

And it could be, it could be as simple as having a better connection with our kids. And there are speakers and they're talking to that as well. So it doesn't have to be that you want to create a business.

What do you want to excel at in your place of mother to bring more joy into your life. And that's what this is all about.

I mean, we're going to have to have you in there at some point about homeschooling because we want those different avenues of showing what are the possibilities and then calling into your own intuition and saying, I have these choices in front of me that the hub has provided, but what is my intuition leading me towards? Because every mom is different. But then what you want today might be different. Three weeks from now or a year from now.

And then you can come back and, and go on to wherever you're at in that moment. Because we have different stages in motherhood.

I mean survival mode, let's be honest, when they first come out, that's just completely survival mode then.

And so this is actually geared more towards moms of element entry age kids where you're starting that, where you start to feel like you have some time and space and all of a sudden they're doing stuff by themselves and you're like, what do I do with that 15 minutes of time for me, you spend all my time playing Candy Crush. And I was going down the wave of like I come back up and like my head would hurt. And I was like, what just happened to my day?

Or whatever that is for people. Right. And so it's just how do we want to spend our time and what do we want to do with it moving forward?

And so the hub is just that place to really have that creative space to figure out. I'm not sure what I want, but I can sample to figure that out.

Kristina: 00:07:38

Love it, love it, love it.

And I was drawing those same parallels as you were talking is like, you know, the parents who want to take charge of their child's education, the parents who really want to do something different, they do, they go down these rabbit holes or these big things, oh, I have to learn so much before I can get started, or oh, I'm going to do it this way. And then they get into those modes of oh, I'm going to learn everything about that so then I'll be prepared.

Instead it's like, let's take those little bite sized steps like you were talking about. Do one thing, think about it, implement, and then move forward so that you can do it a little bit quicker if you're ready. Right.

You want to make sure that you can jump in there and have the knowledge you need but not go down rabbit holes and not get started.

Herb: 00:08:17

Yeah. Usually the hardest part is getting started. Yeah. And so yeah, these little steps just get in and get started.

And once you get started, then build the momentum is how is how you do it. So yeah, just those, that's so true.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:08:31

The start point and then we, we get into that perfection mode where like we have to have all the pieces in play before we can like do something. And, and that's where the, the potential knowledge comes in.

Cause we're so busy learning it, but if we're not doing something with it, then we're not going to get anywhere And. And just having that community and support and just being around moms who.

Who want to make an impression on the world, who want to do something, whatever is in their genius, whether it's creating a more vibrant space for their kids, whether it's creating their own book, whatever their messaging is, whatever they decide is inside of them, I just want to help bring that out by creating the variety for them to figure, to have a place to start. Yeah, exactly.

Herb: 00:09:13

Well, there was something that you said right at the start that. That I haven't been able to get out of my head.

And you were talking about women, the standard women's groups where you would get together and complain about your husband. Okay, now from. From the stuff that I've been learning about brains. So I hurt my head. My life kind of fell apart.

And thank God she meant it when she said for better or for worse, because there was times where I was worse. But she didn't necessarily complain about me. She kept trying to build me up. She kept trying to find the good things.

Kristina: 00:09:44

Only when I was around him. Just kidding.

Herb: 00:09:48

That's not what her friends would tell me either. So. So just. Just that those kind of groups where they're complaining about stuff, if you.

If you look for the bad things in life, you're going to find it. Have you started a group where you start talking about the great things that your husbands do?

Where you actually start finding reasons to fall back in love with your husband and to make his life better? Because it's like that. That also steps things up. So I'm sorry, but I just had to say that because that was.

Oh, no, I was still stuck in my head there.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:10:22

Well, I was sitting in those groups, like, not feeling like I had anything to say. But then at the same time, I was, like, racking my brain, looking for a complaint.

Like, what can I add to this so I don't feel alone in this con, like, that I can be part of this conversation. And like you said, you'd find yourself, like, when you see the complaints or that you find yourself doing it.

So I agree that's part of this as well, is like, let's look at the positive things. Same thing with our kids, husband, kids, everything. Because, I mean, we could focus on.

For me, with my son especially, was like, well, he doesn't, like, doesn't have friends, and let me focus on that. And I was always asking questions about, well, who would you play with? Who would you do this with? And, oh, my God, the tension would.

Would, like, flare up. And then it would be like, you know, going like this with each other. The same thing can happen with your spouses when you focus on those things.

However, like, even with my son, when I start focus on the things he likes, like gardening, cooking, things like that, and he's now working on creating his own podcast, he's now. He cooked dinner yesterday because I didn't. He had bought chicken and stuff, and he cooked dinner from scratch. Right. He's.

Mind you, he is only 13, and so he's our chef of the house.

And so when we start to focus on the positive things that your husbands, that your, your kids have, and that's what the hub's all about, is really how do we find the genius in everyone around us and focus on that more rather than the complaints. We have challenges that we can step through, but complaints circle. And so that's what we don't want to focus on.

Yes, we might have hard days or things that we have to work through, but the more we keep learning from them, we don't repeat it over and over. And we step through them and we support each other in that.

And so we start to focus on what is the genius in the person around me versus all the negative things that we could focus on. And then the positive starts to light up. And my son and I, I mean, I mean, I.

Watching him start his own podcast and doing the things that I kept saying I want to go after my dreams of being an entrepreneur. And I kept going, well, what am. The question that kept focusing in my head was, what am I going to take away from my family?

And I'm sure some of you might feel that way, if I'm going to homeschool, what am I going to take away from it? Like, what is that going to take away from them? Right. But let's reverse that question. What am I going to give my family?

What are they going to gain from it? And even my youngest right now, 8 years old, I've been letting her go. Go live with me in the Facebook group. I Not.

We're not doing it outside the Facebook group. But even today, she, she. It was her idea to. We've been going to go on morning walks before school. This was her idea. And she was collecting leaves.

And she wanted to talk about how we can throw the leaves into the water, washed anxiety away and then put the joy on top of it. And this was all her just doing the, you know, coming from her.

And so when we start to put these things forward, for me, it's just like an invitation. Do you want to do this. You. You don't have to. And, like, so when I was running the festival Thursday, she didn't want to go live. I'm like, no problem.

I'll do. You know, I'll do something else. But I don't want to not invite to do these things. But I would never have saw that. When I.

When I thought about it was only like, well, I'm not going to be around as much. I'm going to be taken away. But, like, never saw that aspect. So we reverse the question again.

We can focus on the negative or we can focus on the positive. Right. Same thing with how we ask our questions as well.

Kristina: 00:15:14

Yes, yes, yes. Reverse those questions and put it in the positive. Right.

One of the things that Herb talks about a lot is, like, when your kids come home from school or when I would even come home from work, you ask them the blanket question of how was your day? Well, that's usually too overwhelming to answer. Right. And instead of immediately going, oh, well, what went wrong with your day?

Is like, what went right with your day? Or what was one positive thing?

And then, of course, you can, you know, circle back to the challenges as well with kids, especially to help them figure out how to fix those challenges. But, yeah, changing those questions and really inviting them in, because we know our kids are watching us every single day.

They know what's going on, whether we really think they do or not.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:15:58

So what's funny is, my kids have gotten so tired of my questions, so we used to try to do, like, one success, one failure at the dinner table, and they got so tired of answering the format, they're just like, can we just talk? So I've got them to the point where they just want to talk about their day because they don't like my questions anymore. So I'm like, I'll take that.

And so I do the same thing in the car, too, is I purposely leave it silent when I'm with them, and sometimes they don't like it, but then they'll just, like, want to fill the void and they start talking and. But if I ask them questions, they just walk away from me now, but then they'll come and talk later, Right?

Kristina: 00:16:32

Exactly. But it's one of those things that you have to get started, right?

If you haven't had that communication, if you haven't had that buildup of how really to get them talking, then, yeah, start with the questions. Right?

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:16:44

And when they tell you, no, I totally agree. And also, like, what was fun today?

Or what was, you know, what's Something humorous that happened today or just, you know, get them starting off that point and you can tell when they're in a bad mood and they're like, nothing funny happened. And then.

Then when they say that, that's usually like just sitting with them and just waiting for them to talk and not just let the silence take over till they're. Then they start talking.

Kristina: 00:17:07

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. We're so busy anymore, and we have so many things that fill our space.

Having that silence really is kind of key, especially when you're trying to get that communication going.

Herb: 00:17:17

One of my favorite questions for her was, what made you feel like a good teacher today? What. What made you feel like you made a difference today?

And that would, you know, sometimes, like, she would get in the car and I could just see this, like, oh, crap. And it's like, oh, so. Wow. So. So what part of your day made you feel like you reached a child today? And. And wrap it around that?

And then she could like, oh, yeah, this. This did happen. This. This was good. So you. And you can do that with your children.

Kristina: 00:17:43

It's like your spouse.

Herb: 00:17:44

Yeah. So what made you feel like a good student today? You know, what made you feel like a good friend today?

So instead of necessarily making it all was your day or, you know, what was one success, what was one failure?

Kristina: 00:17:57

That.

Herb: 00:17:57

Even. Even those. More. How did you.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:17:59

How.

Herb: 00:18:00

How did you show up as a good friend for someone today?

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:18:03

Actually, you guys made me think, too.

And Herbie, bring up the husbands is one of the things I've been trying to do because I know I haven't been doing a good job about it is really trying to compliment. And so when they do something to really focus and.

And actually say thank you, and sometimes we think we don't need to, but the more we start to do it, and then all of a sudden they're like, they're doing it more often. You're like, oh. And so I think that that comes back to the acknowledgment of it all into having that open communication.

But if we're trying to point out the positives more often, too, with our spouse's kids, they start to see it more. And so I just wanted to throw that in there when you speak as well.

Herb: 00:18:39

Yeah. If you want. If you want little. Don't. Don't, like corrected either. If they do something good, don't say, oh, hey, could you have done it this way?

Don't do that.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:18:49

Just say thank you. Because.

Herb: 00:18:50

Because. Because the way guys do things is not the way ladies do things.

And if you actually like look deeper at it, you'll be amazed at some of the stuff that we come up with. So yeah, hey, that was.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:19:03

Yes. Never put a qualification on. Just thank you for. Yes, end of, end of sentence.

Kristina: 00:19:09

Exactly. Oh my gosh. Well, one of the things that we've also talked about with the mama genius and our state of education, having you in all of this kind of.

We've also talked about education of your children and kind of your hopes and dreams and things like that.

And one of the things that we all, most of us with kids have experienced or you're just coming out of was that unfortunate Covid experience where schooling changed, things got crazy, things got weird. Some people found the inspiration is that okay, fine, I'm going to take charge of this, I'm going to homeschool now. Right?

And then others like, no, we're just going to white knuckle it all the way through and then get them back in school right away. So can I ask you kind of what did your family do during that time?

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:19:51

Well, part of it started was that my father and brother in law at the time both had cancer. And so we didn't know like seeing them and what that would impact.

And so that first I was it for, for us it already eliminate because our state, Wisconsin had gone back to school right away like the following fall. They were already back in. In person.

And so for me though, for us as a family, we had decided at that point it was either virtual or it was definitely not going to be in person at that point because we just. There was too many unknowns and we didn't know. And so I. Our district also offered virtual summer school, which was weird.

So I enrolled them in that to see what it would be like. And it brought back the anxiety of being a substitute teacher. And I was so being a former teacher, I was just. Yeah, not gonna happen for me.

So then at that point, that's when I decided to homeschool them for that year. We'd officially decided to homeschool for that school year.

Now part of it, part of it was that for me in the first year, trying to unlearn everything I knew as a teacher and do things differently, but also my husband's expectations of how things should look as we're doing school, all of that coming into play made it a little bit more difficult and then I put more pressure on myself and I don't even know if that was self induced, but it was more that I self induced it and just trying to make it look a certain way and not releasing it. And so I think that was the biggest struggle I had with homeschooling and the pressure of all. We still had a great year and they learned a lot.

And I actually. Lily was 4 at the time, and I had found. I can't remember the name of the book, but it was. It was one workbook.

It was a hundred ways to learn how to read. Like, it was a hundred lessons in it to learn how to read. I'm sure you know the book.

Anyways, I was able to teach her to read that year using that book. And so by the time she went to kindergarten, she was full on reading. And we spent that year and it was a fight to do the lessons.

Just like, you know, you have that.

But in Liam Bell, I brought back all my old school teaching, getting them to like, really do commentary and all the things with their writing and really analyzing things and stuff. So it was good in terms. And we did. We actually ended up working with a homeschooling group.

And so we did a lot of activities and stuff in person that probably a lot of people weren't doing who were doing virtual things like that. So we did a lot of outdoor stuff. We were always doing nature and getting out there as much as possible. And that's actually.

Lily and I were talking about that this morning. Remember when we do more hikes and stuff during the day and things like that. And it does allow for more diversity and things in it.

And so as I was doing more research, it was something I wanted to continue doing, but then at the same time, just attention the house and just the different ways of doing. My husband did put the decision in my hands, but I just felt like it was time from their responses and stuff.

And ironically, it was my social butterfly who. Who wanted to continue homeschooling. But then just during the summer, I just had decided that they'll go back to school.

And that's actually when I think I went deep into doing the business as well. So it kind of was give and take. But at the same time, I was. There was a couple things that I was afraid of sending them back to school.

First of all, I was. For some reason, the mornings were always just so hectic in my house and like, just hard to do. And I was afraid of those mornings again.

And then I was also afraid of, like, the extra stuff we started to do, like some of their interests and stuff, and how they were going to lose some of that time by going back to school.

Kristina: 00:23:19

Right.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:23:20

So those were my two Biggest fears about sending them back. But my son who I thought would want to homeschool was like ready to go back and my husband wanted them back. He.

I don't even know if he wanted us to do that year. So that is what it is. So they ended up going back. Now what we did was because those were my biggest fears.

Those were some of the things we addressed that I addressed in figuring out a routine and different things. So nowadays like they're self sufficient in the morning. And that today gave us, Lily and I time to even running late.

We were able to get out and do the nature walk that she wanted before school and and she just didn't want to take the bus. So she's like, did you take me to school if I go on a walk? I'm like okay. So but creating that, that routine and figuring those things out.

Such as one of the things we do is songs play on Alexa. So we they when they need to get out the door, there's a song that plays for the middle school kids to get out the door. So they just know.

So I'm not worried about time as much. I'm not keeping track of the time as much. They're keeping track of their own time. They make their own breakfast, they make their own lunches.

Unless they ask, and I will most mornings still ask is there anything you want me to make for breakfast? And I might get yelled at. I might get an answer. It depends. And then. But then when.

And then meet Lily and I get an hour together because then the other two are off to middle school. So this was the first year. It's nice. Last year actually when it was Bella, Lily and me, we actually did a lot of kids.

Well I call them mini women's circle. Cause there's just three of us. It was girls, but we did what we did.

Kids circles this year didn't transpire because they didn't, you know, with a new schedule and stuff, it didn't quite work. But just doing the routines that work for you at the time. But honestly half the time I'm not doing anything in the morning.

I'm not frantically running around doing the things they're in charge figure out how to way to make them in charge of their own schedule. And so that was one of the things I alleviate the other thing like I said was worried about like them not doing the extras.

And so but that hasn't been the case because I went down the entrepreneur route. Liam still wanting to do his podcast. Bella's doing her drawing and she's taking on Teso at times, wanting to write.

And her and Lily are both swimmers, they're both state swimmers now and doing their thing. And I think it's just really about finding what their genius is.

And when you're living in yours, you're now allowed to be the detective rather than projecting your own stuff onto your kids. You're now the detective saying, well, how do I help support what they want to do? And everyone's like, well, were you a swimmer?

Nope, still can't even do a freestyle. Save my life.

But I was vigilant about finding swim lessons that I liked for them and we went through a whole bunch of different ones, but I finally found one that actually fit my kids of competition of like moving them up levels and doing these things. And when they got to level seven and up, they're like, well, maybe you should try out for the swim team.

So it came from just that vigilance of trying to find something that worked for them, that led them both to be swimmers. And Bella just took two seasons off, came back to her first meet. 200 yard breasts, which is her breast is her stroke. And she's 11.

She made a 12 year old state time at her first race event back.

Kristina: 00:26:29

Nice.

Herb: 00:26:29

Nice.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:26:30

And so it, it, I think it really just comes down to figuring out what they want to do. And everyone's like, well, don't you want her to do spring swim? I mean, why aren't you pushing her, dude? I'm like, she said she needed a break.

And my goal with this is like if you commit to it. So right now she's commit to fall and winter. If you've commit to that, I'm. You're doing, you're doing that.

But, but in winter when it's over, if you want a break or you want to do something different, there's your options. But, but, and I, so I think it's, it's allowing them some freedom and choice. But you make that commitment, you're sticking to it.

So she decided to do cross country and swim to get back in shape because she missed two seasons. And that came from her. That was not me even pushing or suggesting. That was just her deciding.

And I think that's what it comes down to when you offer that to them.

Herb: 00:27:15

So when you first started talking about homeschooling, you said the way you were doing it brought back nightmares of your substitute teaching.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:27:24

No, that was when I was, that, that wasn't from.

That was when I was doing the virtual summer school and trying to, to maneuver them on Two different devices and help them with their homework and all of that through the virtualness. And that's when I realized that virtual school would not work for me for the year.

Like that was not something that I, if I'm going to do this, I was just going to take them out of school. And that brought back the nightmares was just that virtual summer school. And I was like, nope, nope, not doing this.

Herb: 00:27:52

Yeah, so we, we call it education at home because in a lot of cases people try and replicate the school system at home when. And they call it homeschool. And so we, we try and break people of that homeschool model.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:28:06

I love that.

Herb: 00:28:07

Because it's not schooling at home. It's, it's not. Yeah. So there you take the kids personality, you take their wants, you take, you make it individualized.

And there is so much an emphasis on communication and family structure. So for us, you know, when, when we're working with people, we really try and make it a family event, not a kids going to school at home thing.

Because that system isn't necessarily all put together right now anyway.

Even a lot of these homeschool groups, they try and set up classrooms and they try and set up curriculum that goes for four or five or six hours a day. And that, that can be really dreadfully hard on kids as well.

So you know, we, we try and bring it back to again, kind of what you talk about finding the mama's genius. We bring it back to finding the children's genius.

Kristina: 00:28:56

Yeah.

Herb: 00:28:56

About where you find out what they love to do and you get them interested in that.

And then you show them how to learn around that, you show them how to read around that, you show them how to do numbers around that, you show them how to build life skills around that.

And then like you said, you step back out of the way and hours a day they're on their own trying to figure it out, going through their steps, going through their challenges and getting their sense of self achievement by no, I want to do this. You know, this isn't mom stuff, this isn't school stuff. I want to do this. I'm going to struggle through this and figure it out.

And you get to sit back and basically just kind of monitor. There are the core stuff, the reading, the writing and the arithmetic that they all kind of need to do.

But again, you can wrap in what they love around that. And so a lot of people don't understand that about homeschooling.

They think, oh no, I don't, I don't want to spend the hours and hours a day with my kid, I don't want to go through that frustration and pain. But once you get this.

This core down and once you get this understanding down, then like you said for breakfast, now you're out of the way, and your kids want you out of the way. It's like, no, get out of my way. I got to get this done. I got to get going. And that's how education at home starts to work.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:30:17

Yeah, I love that. And I think that's so true. And I think if we had continued with it, I would have gotten more to the. To the pace in that.

But I also think both of you have to be in support of it. And so it's really hard when one parents not in support of it. And that's just what happened in my house. And so. But we made it work in other ways.

And even though they're going back to school or, you know, and I think that's true, is whatever decision you make, making the best of that decision and really finding ways to still have them figure out what are things that they want to work on, things that they want to do. And I mean, even the year that.

Herb: 00:30:52

You did gave them that. It gave you that. It's like, oh, wow, I didn't realize how hectic my mornings were and how rough that.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:30:58

That's true.

Herb: 00:30:59

So that year then gave you that opportunity to like, hey, this needs to change. And let's look at this.

And so just even one year of doing that with yourself and the communication you built with your children, now you're on the morning walks, now your son's doing podcasts, and had you. Had you not done all of that, where do you think that would still be where it is today?

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:31:20

You know what? I never really thought about that way, but probably. Probably not. I mean, but it.

And I think that's what it is, is each one of us are on our journey and figuring out the pieces that put that into place and following your gut at that moment in time. And so at that moment, because of circumstances, I said, we need a homeschool. And you're right, though.

And that shaped the way things changed as well later.

But because of the freedom and things we had during homeschooling and the way we did things a little differently, I want to make sure some of that was transposed. You're right. As you're saying, Herb, as we continued in school. And so I don't think there is a one way. Right. Fits all.

But it's figuring out for your family what's the best situation to reach each of you, figuring out what your genius is. Because when you're living in your genius and you're doing the things that make you happy, that's. That comes forth.

I mean, like, I could have forced my daughter to do an extra. An extra swim session when she didn't want to or, you know, be on the swim team a little bit longer. But when we.

When we give choices and we let people figure out what's right for them, My gosh, coming back in fall, she was just ready, like, waiting to come back.

And so I think sometimes we put too much pressure on the continuation of things, but listening and trying to have those conversations with each other of what's right for that person. And even some of the parents in the swim team are like, no, you really should make sure that she stays on.

I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not going to put the time and effort and money into it if she's not into it. And I think sometimes what happens as parents is we project what we want onto them rather than what they want.

And so it's really about navigating those two together. I mean, it is. It is a tricky situation, but it's trying to figure out, is that like I said with Liam, it was.

I was transposing my need for belonging onto him when he didn't necessarily need that or even want that, but. And that caused friction. When we project onto them, instead of figuring out, what is it, can I help support them in?

I mean, they are completely separate from us. They might learn from us. And so the best thing that we can do is just be that role model. We want them to have something to look up to.

Because it's a lot of times as we become moms or dads, it's like all of a sudden, well, you're supposed to give up your dreams because now you're supposed to project them onto the kids. But there's a problem with that is if we keep doing that, no one's ever fulfilling their dreams or living them out.

And it just keeps that cycle perpetuating. And so at some point, that's why my passion really is to work with moms and to. To start that place is like, no, let's stop the busyness.

Let's figure out what are some of the things that you want that you desire. Because when they see you living as a happy, healthy adult, now they have that model, and now they can. They. They can choose.

What is it that makes me happy? I mean, I'm not Trying to push a podcast on to Bella, who has no interest whatsoever. But Liam's shown interest in that.

And so, yeah, I'm here to support you if that's something you want. And at times I'm like, do you want my help? He's like, nope, I'm good. I'm like, are you sure? Yep. All right, bye.

Kristina: 00:34:25

But. And the thing is that, you know, it's like, oh, we need to help them so that they don't fail.

But what we have to, even as adults, have to really get rid of is fail isn't necessarily a bad thing because you're learning so many lessons and you're making adjustments and you're doing things. So. Yeah, what is it? Fear? Allowing you to move. No, what is it? Fear.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:34:44

I'm trying to remember. I know what you're talking about now. I can't think of.

Kristina: 00:34:46

Yeah, but where you're falling forward instead of, you know, just, like, blowing it kind of thing. Right. Exactly. And I love how you work.

Herb: 00:34:53

Disappearances appearing real.

Kristina: 00:34:55

Yeah.

Herb: 00:34:55

Some of that false experience is appearing real.

Kristina: 00:34:57

Yeah.

Herb: 00:34:57

So. But fail. Fail. You only fail if you quit. So a fail is your first attempt in learning.

Kristina: 00:35:05

That's what it is.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:35:06

There you go. That's it. Yes. And so it's so true.

Herb: 00:35:09

If you fall on your face and you get up and you keep going, it's like, there's one more thing that you learned not to do, and you go again and you make it farther, and then you fail, and there's another attempt in learning, and then it's like you pick yourself up. It's like, okay, now I know how to navigate that. So failure is only failure if you stop after one of them.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:35:30

And. And you're only a successful person if you. Though the people failed the most because they kept getting back up.

And so everyone keeps thinking that it's this easy spot to, like, just get from here to here, but. And everyone has a different journey as well.

So that's why part of what the hub is, for me, is really listening to your own intuition, which we've disconnected from so much. And that's my first focus is like, yeah, I'll give you this whole list of things that you can learn, but what is it that you actually feel driven to?

Like, what? What? Like, if you see this list right here in front of you, close your eyes, and what pops out at you, and that's where you start.

And I think that's what it really comes up. We have all this noise around us. It's. How do we really Just eliminate the noise now.

I mean, even, especially us, we're in the business realm together. And there's whatever you're learning, right? There's. Well, this worked for this person. This worked for this person. This worked for this person.

I should do it this way because it worked for them. But that not might not be your genius or the way to work for you. So it's.

Now that you have all this knowledge, all this information, now you kind of have to marry the two between your knowledge and your gut to what's actually going to. What is your next step from all that knowledge? Not because it worked for this person. I need to do it.

I mean, that's what really drove me is I was for so long trying to do a blog and just trying. And trying to do this blog.

And I even hired someone to help me do this blog and trying to learn SEO and do all these things and trying to like do his format of 50 blogs in 3 months on Google. And you're going to get all this traction and all this stuff. And I really like. That sounds so great. I can do this. I like writing. I can do this. And.

And what I was doing was doing these interviews just like you're doing. I was trying to take the transcripts, run them through chat GDP with his process and stuff and try to create this blogs.

And it was just like, I just physically, like still have not done one to this day in that format. And I was just. And so you know what I do? I go and put a deadline on myself. I'm like, well, if I put a deadline on myself, that'll work.

So, you know, I work on deadlines. So it was actually my birthday last year and I was on the phone with him and I get off and I put a deadline of November 12th.

I'm gonna have a blog launch. I think. I think you had been signed up to come and I was going to do this blog launch, and all of a sudden I was like, I can't do this.

And I'm sitting there crying on my birthday, going, what the heck am I going to do now? And what I realized was I was afraid and the fear was setting in. But what I had been doing was I'd been creating podcasts, right? But not.

But I was trying to take these podcasts, put them through a different process and spit out the like, like an extra process to even get to a blog. Blog wasn't my genius.

Kristina: 00:38:02

Yeah.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:38:03

And to finally come to that realization, like weeding out the noise, like that worked for him and it works for others, and that's great. That's their genius. Mine was having these conversations, but I was thinking, I don't. I don't do that very well. I can't do that. That's not me.

But, like, you get so triggered by all these things that you think it's not you until you realize. Finally, it dawned on me that day that I went from a blog launch to podcast launch in two and a half weeks.

I had no idea what an RSS feed was or any of those things, right?

But when you're driven by that and realize that that's what you're supposed to do, all of a sudden, in two weeks, next thing you know, I had four episodes out. I mean, you guys, you had been on it later and, like, all things start coming in place. And we were just talking about that as we came on.

I mean, it's a year later. It'll be November 12th. It's been out for a year. I'll be almost at 90 episodes, right? In a year, versus it.

And it was funny because it was four months later, and I had 50 blog, 50 podcasts, not blogs, post it. I mean, I probably don't have attraction. I would have had it if I'd done his whole Google thing.

But when you get into your genius and you weed out the noise to figure out what is your next step, and your next step could be blog, could be podcast. I don't know that it's for you to determine with your intuition.

And it might be Pinterest, I don't know whatever your next step is and whatever you're doing, but it's. We have to start to get more centered and to start listening to ourselves. And it is. Everyone always says it.

When you slow down, you figure it out, but it doesn't seem right exactly.

Kristina: 00:39:36

It does not, you know, tie that into. Is how, you know, think about you as a parent. How can you provide that space for your children?

Just like all the examples you've been saying about the swim and the podcast and the cooking and everything for your kids. If we can slow down and not create life to be so busy for all of us and really give your child that space as well.

I mean, you know, when they're little, they're going to be doing what they're doing, right? But when they get to that age of actually choosing things, give them that space and that allowance to make those.

Herb: 00:40:07

One of our big things is talking about family values and writing down your family values. But the next step after that is to actually get real honest. With yourself and write down where you're putting your priorities in life.

What are you actually doing? And then it's like, these are my values. This is what I'm doing. And you find out that a lot of times that those aren't really match up.

And so you need to start reprioritizing your life around your values. And once your values start taking over your life, then your life can actually really start moving in that direction.

So a lot of people say, oh yeah, family is the most important thing. And then you look at what they're doing and very little of it is not. Does not have to do with family.

And so it's like, is this really your most important thing? So you know exactly that. So it's like, oh, no, my kids are the most important thing. Well, are you putting your kids. Well, being first?

Are you putting what you want your kids to do first? Are you forcing them into things on, or are you listening to your children? Are you helping them become the people that they're meant to be?

Or are you trying to force them into a mold of who you want them to be? So how do you balance that? Oh, yeah, my kids are the most important thing to. I'm not doing the most important things for my kids.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:41:23

I love that too, because I think when you identify what the values are, and again, even if you want to start with your own values, even before you go to the family values to start with, what are your top values? When you actually put them into play, it actually makes your decision making easier because then you can lay them against them.

And then as you start to practice it, then they could. Then, then they start to. Then it makes it easier to. To create the family values or do the things together.

But again, it always comes back to you being that role model. And like I said, with my kids sometimes, or my husband's like, oh my God, what's she bringing this time?

What's that next personal development thing she's bringing down the line? You know, like, they already have that, that caution to them sometimes, but sometimes I'll just start doing.

They're like, well, why are you doing it that way? Or where did you learn that? And I feel that sometimes easier way than me just saying, oh, we need to do it this way. And it's true.

I mean, because you think about your teachers or people who were your elders, right? You're like, well, they used to practice. They never practiced what they preached. You can call them hypocrites, right?

And a lot of times that's what our kids view if we're not doing things we're telling them to do. And it's so much easier when you just start doing those things and they're like oh, I want to do that too or that makes sense or these things.

And so sometimes I don't even realize it.

Herb: 00:42:36

Yeah, right. You know, totally a totally a Gen X thing there. Do do what we say, not what we do.

Because you know exactly all the mistakes now you need to do it the right way.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:42:47

But it doesn't work like that. And they see what we're doing.

Kristina: 00:42:51

Yeah.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:42:52

And that's where it comes. That's what it really just comes down to. And so when you're.

And the easiest way to do those things and do the things that are modeling for them is when you're doing things that you enjoy doing, when you are joyful about the things you're doing. That's why I'm so adamant about the genius aspect of finding the things that bring you joy, the things that you like doing.

And I'll met right now like some not my best days or things. And they see that and they'll ask questions or you know, but then you have talks.

And even last night with Lily, she was just like trying to talk about her emotions and things as an 8 year old.

And just the quality like I could never imagined at my age being able to have that kind of conversation or to even be a realization aware of my emotions or what that even meant.

And so like it's just so impressed with like she's like, it's just so upset right now because I bought a little up at school and I don't know how to let it go. And it's just like amazing to hear that come out of them.

And I'm like it's okay like that that you're doing that and but it's just kind of just sat there and just let her talk.

Kristina: 00:43:54

And again it's because you've modeled, you've given the space and then you help them with the words. Right. You don't. And you help them with the words that make sense to them at their level. Right.

That's the thing is that you don't start imposing adult words on little kids because that doesn't work. You give them the words that make sense to them at that point and help them explore the new words. Yeah.

Herb: 00:44:15

Oh, and something I heard is she's bottling up her. All of her emotions at school because it's not safe to let them out there.

That, that again takes me back to how Broken the school system is why we help people take their kids out of school, blah blah.

Kristina: 00:44:28

When we have awesome moms like Michelle who know how to help their kids, it can be a good thing too.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:44:33

Well, the funny thing to that though is I guess I forgot what she calls it but they have a space in the room and she had, there was a word for it where she could go if she wanted to and, but she said she didn't want to and I said so I asked her, I was like, well were you embarrassed to go in there? She's like no. Or do, do other people say something when you go in there or what is she like I, I, I do it to, she said I do it to myself.

Like I don't want to go in there. And so it's interesting like that, that, that sometimes we do give like the schools are doing different things to help.

But it was interesting listening to her and seeing that it was self imposed and so it, but, but again it depends on the kids because if they're not learning about EQ or emotional intelligence was trying to say I always start using abbreviations but it is the sooner we start talking about the different feelings and not to bottle them up and how to release them and so like the space like I said, even if they are going to school but to say well, and how do we release this? Because sometimes it is frustrating with the different especially as they start to get older and the hormone changes and all of that.

But we have to be open to that as the adults and realize that if we are taking care of ourselves then they're able to take care of, then we're able to have those conversations with them.

Because when you're angry or irritable, it's so much harder to have that conversation with an angry, irritable kid which when they're in their teen years is going to happen so much more that it's even more important to make sure that you're taking care of yourself so that you're being able to present yourself in a loving, compassionate way when you're being yelled at. Because it will happen.

Kristina: 00:46:11

Exactly, exactly. You know, part of it. One of those things.

Yeah that like you were saying about switching the negative to the positive like in conversations and things like that.

One of the things I want to keep putting out there a little bit is that, you know, we have the name the Terrible Twos and the Horrible Teens and da da da da da. And my question is, do they have to be. Probably not.

If you've built this conversation piece in There it probably not, if you've been able to help them be able to share their expression.

Now, I'm not saying that that doesn't happen, that they don't have their meltdowns and stuff, because that's the age and that's what they're growing through. Right.

But could it be better, could our society change that perspective if we talked about it and kept doing exactly what you're talking about, building the communication, building the choices, building the information that they need to be able to make, find their journey and move forward.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:47:00

Like you said, it's about like the space of it all. And so when my youngest could throw her 45 minute tantrums, it wasn't necessarily about like trying to stop it.

It was more about how to, how to help through it because they still need to have them and learn from them.

But it's like giving her space but then coming back and checking on her and then, you know, creating those systems, going like they know that they're having it, but you're not going to like, you know, just say you're going to be there to support them coming through it, but allowing them to say, well, no, you don't need to have to squash it down, but how do we support through it? Because I think that's what we've done.

And how I felt growing up is just like, let me just suppress all my feelings, squash it and then, and that's okay.

And so then you come now with all of us in our 40s and stuff is why I want to reach or later why I want to reach the moms that, that I do, because it's time to, to do that.

Kristina: 00:48:02

All right, so what if we were going to, you know, wrap up kind of all of this? What would you tell moms do the one thing that they could do to really start helping support their genius and then their child's genius.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:48:14

I always like to end this way is to do something that people might not have think of. But I know that we always have those compliments in our heads.

And so like it's a mom, a child, or like you just these good thoughts come to our heads, but the thing is we leave them in our heads.

So I want to start challenging you to tell the stranger in front of you, you like their hat, you like their kid, you like what's, what's happening from you.

And as Herb was saying, like, let's start the positive shift and start just the compliments coming forward because you're now training your res, which is erect activating system to see more of those things. And you're bringing someone, say, I can remember being at the fair, and I just really love this woman's dress.

And we're just in the bathroom washing our hands, and I just had to reach. I just looked over and said, like, the smile that came to her face, I mean, I'll never see her again.

But just having more of those interactions, then you're going to start seeing them in your kids, you're going to start seeing them in your spouses, and you're going to start saying them more because you start to make it a habit of seeing that. And I think that's what leads us to our genius, is the more that we start seeing the things that we like, we start activating it.

Instead of looking for the negative, we start looking for the positive in front of us, and then we start to see what comes forth for us more. And again, when you're living your genius, just asking yourself, what do I enjoy doing? How do I do more of that?

Kristina: 00:49:34

Absolutely love it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Would you please make sure you drop right now? Tell everybody how they find you?

How do they find Mama Genius hub so that they can come and check it out and hopefully find some more of their genius?

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:49:46

Well, as we're recording this right now, it's about to be released, but everything eventually will be on WW connecting mamas.com where all the links to everything but you can find the Mama Genius Hub podcast. I begin to Apple, Spotify, and that's the podcast itself. But everything will be linked through connecting mamas.com as it's coming very soon.

We're about to release the hub.

Kristina: 00:50:09

Excellent. Perfect.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:50:10

Perfect.

Kristina: 00:50:11

And of course, everything will be down in the show notes for you to be able to click and link and follow through.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:50:16

And one last thing which I forgot about is if you want to figure out what is your mama genius, go to mamagenius hub.com and take the quick little quiz and it will give you what is your mama genius?

Kristina: 00:50:26

All right, sounds great. Thank you, Michelle, for being us with us here today. Oh, my gosh.

And audience, please make sure, you know, as usual, we've tried drop so many gold nuggets along the way, pick them up, put them in your pocket and then take them out and look at them and use them as you move through your day.

Herb: 00:50:44

Thank you for being here, Michelle. It has been a pleasure talking with you. Your insights are invaluable. And I might not necessarily be a mama, but guys have their geniuses, too.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:50:54

Oh, yeah.

Herb: 00:50:55

And you know, so much of what you said is, is so on point about, about working to find the genius and looking for that person. Thank you very much for being here and thank you for sharing today.

Michelle DeKeyser: 00:51:06

Thank you so much for having me. And I hope everyone has a wonderful day finding all the compliments in each other.

Kristina: 00:51:12

Awesome. Thank you so much. All right, audience, until next time. We will see you later. Bye.

Herb: 00:51:16

Bye for now.